Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Wednesday, November 3, 2010: A Fine Line

There is a very fine line between reality and denial. It is so small that it is almost impossible to stay on it. On one side of the line you have denial. It's a happy place to be. There is no cancer, no fear, no doubts and everything is "just fine". I like spending time in denial.

Reality though ~ that's not such a great place to be. I try not to visit there very often. Cancer has a permanent residence in reality. It's a frightening place to be - there is a looming sense of fear and and hopelessness in there.

I much prefer to spend my time in denial but unfortunately reality always finds the back door and sneaks up on me. After I have been in reality too long I find myself desperately looking for the path back to denial. Occasionally I have been on the thin line between the two places. I stand very still with my arms stretched out to keep my balance. I look at reality long enough to process things that need to be dealt with. Then I take a quick glimpse into denial simply to keep my sanity ~ to keep me from falling into a great big deep pit of darkness.

I am not able to stay in reality very long. It's too hard. And I don't think that is where God wants me to dwell either. I need to go there once in a while because life doesn't stop. Life happens and we have to deal with it and move on. I think God gave us the gift of denial to help us cope. This gift can be taken too far though and if we stay in denial too long it can become extremely difficult to leave. The issues that are in reality continue to grow and they need to be processed.

We are in the state of processing things right now. Today's appointment with Dr. Downey went better than I expected but it wasn't at all what I was expecting. My CA125 went up to 551. That didn't really surprise or bother me. My ct scan showed that the cancer is spreading through my lymph nodes so the fact that my CA125 was going down earlier didn't make a difference. The positive note from the scan was that all my organs and bones appear to be fine. The cancer just really seems to like my lymph nodes. It is still fairly confined to my abdominal area.

Tomorrow we will be meeting with Dr. Edlund. This is the doctor from LAROC that I saw at the beginning of this year when I had radiation on my neck. Right now I am still having a lot of back pain and Dr. Downey believes the cause may be the cancerous lymph nodes. They are enlarged and pushing on my back and radiation may help shrink them. I will probably have a lot of nausea with the radiation because of the area they are radiating. I'm anxious to see what Dr. Edlund has to say tomorrow because radiation is his area of expertise (where Downey's is with chemo).

So for now I'm doing my best to stay on this fine line between reality and denial and not to fall too far one way or ther other.

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. Psalm 60:1-3