Well, nothing like starting off this new life with a big holiday: Father's Day. Kristi used to take all the kids shopping and get me something special for Father's Day. Then there was always Kristi to burden most of the "duties" on Father's Day to give me, the father, a day all to myself; whatever I wanted to do. Yup, kick back and yell to the kids to bring me this, bring me that. OK, so maybe it didn't work quite like that, but Father's Day in the past was always a very special day.
It was different this year. For one, we didn't go to church...not ready for that yet. There was no Kristi next to me in bed to wake up to...and my traditional bad joke... "well baby, better get ready to work some OT today!". Just woke up to silence...which I guess is a blessing...and it will be, in time. After taking a shower I went downstairs to my three kids...all sitting at the dining table. They had "prepared" breakfast (bagels), had my cup of coffee ready and all greeted me with an exuberant "happy Father's Day!". It was quite awesome!
After breakfast we went over to the couch where each one presented their gift and card to me. It was quite beautiful. After reading Emily's card she said "turn it over, Daddy, I drewed (her way of saying 'drew') a picture on the back, look, it's our family, all 5 of us." She had drawn 5 little stick figures representing our family. Then she went on to say "I even drewed mommy". Yup, you sure did, dear.You sure did. I held it in for as long as I could and after Nathan and Emily left the room I lost it. Just lost it. Started crying. Ashley was sitting behind me and started rubbing my back...then she started crying. I stopped crying and gathered myself long enough to hold it in while the kids got distracted again. Then I quickly left the room and went upstairs to my bedroom...where I cried like I've never cried before. I just cried and cried. Loud cries. Even slammed my fist on the night stand. I grabbed a pillow and just held it like it was Kristi. After 10 or 15 minutes Ashley came up and tried consoling me. She is just like her mother. But I just kept crying. I couldn't stop myself. I can't believe this. Seems like just yesterday she was here.
Ashley captured this video of Kristi playing Mario Cart...as you can tell by her reaction, she won. :) Keep in mind when watching this video that Kristi was in a great amount of pain. But, that was Kristi, full of life and enjoying every minute of it. For us, a cherished memory for sure. This was one of the last videos of Kristi...
I miss her so bad...more than words can express. Please pray for the hurt to start the healing process.
I've been asked several times if I am going to keep going with the blog. For now, yes. The story isn't done here. Kristi left a legacy, a legacy we're going to keep alive. I'll update through our struggles, our grieving, our journey to redefine what "normal" will be like, my struggles with becoming a dad trying to raise 3 children...2 of them girls (yikes), etc. I know Kristi would want me to keep the blog going. So, yes, I intend on keeping it going...who knows, maybe Ashley will become my new writing partner. I said "maybe" Ashley...don't get your hopes up. :) hi honey, I love you!!
Until next time, thanks for continuing to hold us up in prayer!