Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Wednesday, June 1, 2011: Hospice Day 8

Day 8 is ending much like day 7 began...with Kristi nearly unresponsive to any verbal or physical interaction.  She is down to very few words a day.  In fact, I have not heard her speak once today.  But, apparently when I was home saying 'hi' to the kids she spoke to the nurse:  the nurse told Kristi she was going to give her some more pain meds to which Kristi replied "awe, you're so nice."  Seriously, this is what she said!  Keep in mind she's hardly spoken for 2 days!!  Now why doesn't that surprise me?! 

It's very difficult to see her like she is right now.  It's just not her.  She's flat on her back, pale, very still, her only movement is when her body twitches, the only noise she makes is when she gasps for air, and her mouth is open because her jaw muscles have relaxed.  It's tough to look at, just plain tough.  This past week has sucked every last bit of emotion out of me.  At times I feel like a walking emotionless zombie...all my emotions have been tapped out. Drained. Empty.

Tonight, after visiting with the kids for a while, Nathan had tears in his eyes when it was time for me to come back to the Hospice House.  He didn't want me to leave.  Oh man, the things that must be going through his mind.  Last night Ashley was begging me to stay home and tonight Nathan has these big tears in his eyes.

I feel like I'm being attacked from every angle; like someone is trying to make me crack.  That 'someone' keeps forgetting about you guys - our prayer warriors!  This is some of the most gut wrenching stuff ever to live through and we are very fortunate to have thousands of people all over the world praying for us.  So we try to keep this in mind (I read this to Kristi today):

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I'll end with that.  Good night.