Caution to parents

OK, so here's why parents should be very careful about letting their children surf the net unsupervised. A blog like this you would think would be pretty innocent. Sure, from time to time we get comments we don't necessarily agree with. But hey, that goes with the territory. If you're going to go public with your journey you have to expect that some people will be critical. That goes with the territory. You have to take the good with the bad. We accept that. Like I said before, we really don't want to get into screening comments. We appreciate most of them and like to share them all. We're not going to be like some cable channels and only air the comments we agree with. We share them all. Well, mostly all. The only ones we really delete are the vulgar ones. We had another one tonight. It was very graphic in nature and had nothing to do with the blog. Now why would someone smear a blog with a comment like that is beyond me. Bored, lonely, searching, etc. are some adjectives that come to mind. Someone that is lost maybe. Anyway, since we know this blog is read by some of our friends' kids we did delete that comment. But a warning to parents: even an innocent site like this is subject to some temporary content like that. We will delete it as fast as we can. Like I said, if it's a difference of opinion or a critical comment of our blog...don't have an issue with that. We like the differing opinions. Some are very interesting and are thought provokers. But the ones that are just vulgar and have no purpose...if you see one, please e-mail us. We will delete them. Sorry if you saw that one tonight. Kristi deleted it as soon as she saw it...but copied and pasted it into Microsoft Word so I could read it. As if we don't have enough to deal with...

Friday, January 8, 2010: Your Will Be Done

We had a comment on Brian's last post that mentioned his update "Let Your Will Be Done". Before I had read that I had already decided on the title for this post. The other post was almost exactly one year ago today. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Just over three years ago I asked God to "break me". I wanted to grow in my relationship with Him and be able to experience the amazing trust that I had seen in people that were going through life changing experiences. As we were singing the song 'Holiness" in church I still remember the line "brokenness is what you want from me". That was my prayer. It wasn't very long after praying that when I was diagnosed. Be careful what you pray for!

Earlier this week as I was processing the news we got on Monday the rest of the song 'Holiness' ran through my head . . .

So, take my heart and form it.
Take my mind and transform it.
Take my will and conform it.
To Yours, to Yours, oh, Lord

He has formed my heart and transformed my mind but my will . . . nope, I hadn't let that go yet. I was so angry after we talked to the doctor on Monday and actually questioned God. I couldn't believe that after all the signs we have seen along the way that I would beat this cancer we would now get this blow. I remember thinking "are you kidding me"? Later I realized that I had questioned the God of the universe, the one who created the world, the one who placed all the stars in the sky and the one who knows the number of hairs I have on my head.

I refused to believe this news though. I decided that I was going to beat this cancer once and for all and prove that doctor wrong. I just assumed that was what God was planning for me. I couldn't stand the thought of our children growing up without their mom. I told God that I would continue fighting this cancer but that He can't have my kids - I can't give them up. After a lot of praying, bible reading, listening to God and talking to Brian I realized how selfish this was. Did I seriously think that I could do a better job raising my kids than God could? Didn't I believe that He would take care of my family after I was gone? After a lot of going back and forth with God (hoping for a comprise) I agreed with tears streaming down my face that our children are His. They were always His.

I also struggled with the thought of dying and heaven. What is heaven really like? What happens when we die? How will I die? The process of dying scares me more than anything else. I had to give up trying to control this too. I asked God to take my will and conform it to His. It wasn't easy but once I let go of my stubbornness and gave up control I had peace. I haven't had a continuous peace - I still have my fears and questions but ultimately I know that He knows what is best for me no matter what that may be.

I am still praying for a miracle but more importantly I know whatever happens - God is in control.

Proverbs 16:9
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

My doctor called me this afternoon. He wants us to meet with a radiation oncologist to talk about radiation as opposed to chemo. With radiation I won't lose my hair and it won't damage my bone marrow like chemo does. Radiation comes with its own kind of side effects though. They are going to call on Monday to let us know when the appointment is. In the meantime he said to cancel my chemo that was planned for next Tuesday (did a happy dance after hearing that!). We will meet with this doctor and decide whether we should return to chemo or start radiation. Well - we will plan our course with God determining our steps.

Brian is out tonight with some friends so he'll update tomorrow night with the rest of his journey through depression. It is so wonderful to see him doing projects again and not wanting to sleep all the time. I'm so proud of him for being willing to share this on the blog and so happy to have him back!

Thursday, January 7, 2010: How Depressing

Did you read that last article? If not, please do before reading this post. I highlighted in red and made bold one specific line. Kristi sent this article to me one day while I was at work. Wow, talk about getting hit in the head with a 2x4. That one line "I'm not depressed, I just don't care" became my mantra for the past year or so. And I had myself convinced that was the truth. Just like that article indicates, my depression too came on gradually. As I look back at the past 2 years I can start connecting the dots. I didn't wake up one day and say "golly, I'm really depressed today". I have to give Kristi credit. She has been telling me for 2 years that I'm probably depressed. She convinced me 2 and a half years ago to go see a counselor. I have to admit...I wasn't a willing participant. My poor attitude coupled with someone I didn't 'click' with did not help the whole psychotherapy field. In fact, it reinforced my feelings for that profession. So after just a few visits I quit going and said I was "all better".

That was the summer of 2007. Not a good summer. Well, as most of you know, our cancer story didn't end there. Nope, it kept on going. We had signs here and there that things were looking better, but those glimpses of hope were often followed shortly thereafter by bad news of some sort. Over the next 2 years we had many highs and lows. We describe it as our emotional roller coaster that never ends.

Slowly, ever so slowly, little by little, over the course of that 2 years things started to gradually change for me:

* My sleeping became worse - mainly insomnia or waking up at 2 or 3 in the morning and not falling back to sleep. I related my sleep issues to stress and sleep apnea (I'll get in to the sleep apnea in a bit). This drove me to seeking different sleeping pills (prescribed by my doctor).

* I started losing interest in things I used to enjoy. I have always been a self proclaimed 'home improvement nut'. I loved doing home improvement projects of any kind. Sometimes I would change things 'just because'. I loved landscaping. I loved running and working out. I loved to tinker in the garage. I loved to empty out cupboards and reorganize them. I could never sit still. I was always doing something...and enjoying it! Well, slowly I started losing interest in these things. One by one, not all at once. Gradually over a couple years I stopped doing all of those. Kristi recognized this and although she enjoyed having me around more (OK, so sometimes I would go a little overboard on my projects and completely immerse myself in them), she knew something was wrong. She would drop little hints here and there, and eventually the little hints became less and less subtle. "Um, honey, you really need to get help - you're depressed!" And of course I would reply "I'm not depressed, I just don't care anymore, seriously". I had myself convinced.

* Then I started losing interest in hanging out with my friends. I preferred to be alone. I convinced myself I just needed quiet time. After all, I was too tired to go out. I would make excuses why I couldn't come over or go skiing. Before you know it, I wasn't doing anything. Again, none of this happened over night - it was a gradual pull-away.

* Low sex drive? Na, not going there - TMI. Ewe.

* Irritable/agitated?! Kristi said some days she felt like she had to walk around like on egg shells. I would blame my bad mood on a "messy" house. The house would be perfectly clean except for one bag of chips left out by the kids, for example. So what do I do? I pick up the bag of chips like a football and drop kick it across the room...chips exploding everywhere. That's a normal reaction, isn't it?! Yup, perfectly acceptable behavior. NOT. I was also grumpy all the time with the kids - just attributed that to their age and me being a man (cold hearted).

* Forgetfulness/difficulty concentrating? Yup. I used to say "if my head weren't attached to my shoulders I would leave the house without it".

* Menstrual problems? Well, they haven't been too bad.

* Fatigue - YA! This was my biggest issue. There were days where it was extremely difficult to get out of bed. Again, this got worse slowly as time went on. The last 3 or 4 months of 2009 pretty much every holiday or vacation day or weekend I would just stay in bed. I was getting increasingly frustrated with my doctor why he couldn't "fix" me. He did all the appropriate blood work, I had a stress test at the hospital, I tried different meds and nothing helped. He too tried telling me it could be depression. "Na, men don't get depressed." I convinced myself it was my sleep apnea. I was diagnosed with moderately severe sleep apnea in 2005. On and off I have been using a CPAP machine to sleep. If sleep apnea goes untreated it can lead to serious issues later in life. So I really need to use the CPAP machine (it keeps my throat open so I don't stop breathing in my sleep). The mask is very uncomfortable. Imagine trying to fall asleep with 2 thumbs stuck up your nose with a vacuum hose stuck to those that runs to a machine blowing air up your nostrils. That describes my mask, seriously! Sure enough, every night I would wake up (from my Ambien induced sleep) and rip off the CPAP mask. So I attributed my fatigue to my lack of using the CPAP machine.

* Suicidal thoughts? No. I never have considered hurting myself. But, if depression goes undiagnosed and gets serious enough it can eventually lead to those thoughts. I used to think 'how could someone ever kill themselves?!' Well, guess what...now I understand. Although I never had those thoughts, look how all of these things happened gradually. I have no doubt that in time I could have gotten that bad if I didn't seek help. I understand completely now.

See how I made excuses for everything?! In my mind everything was justified. All the excuses were legitimate and the fact that all of these things were gradual made the idea of depression foreign to me. Depression comes on in an instant, doesn't it? That's what I thought. When Kristi sent me that article it was like "wow! Slap me on the face and call me Gumby."

So what changed? Sorry, tune in this weekend for part 2. I will tell you about how I came to realize I was depressed and what I'm doing about it. But now I need to get the kids ready for bed...Kristi is not feeling well so she went up to our room to read and rest.

An update on Kristi: well, she has been a bit down the past day and a half. I think this week is all catching up to her. She's been thinking a lot about dying yesterday and today. The kids have also been asking questions. The tumor in her neck is also getting larger...it's tripled in size in the past week and it's quite sore. So, just a lot on her mind. I'm trying to keep her distracted by talking about anything but cancer as much as possible. We usually talk about 'it' every night before bed. Until then I'm just trying to keep her distracted. You can help too! If you happen to see her at church or at school, don't mention the "c" word! If you take the vowels out, CaNCeR is a 4 letter word and it's not polite to say 4 letter words. Thanks for helping. So many emotions. So many tears. So many prayers around this house lately.

Thank you for praying for this family. We are very humbled and grateful by the outpouring of love everyone has shown us.

Could You Be Depressed and Not Know It?

By Jenny Stamos Kovacs

"Could you be depressed and not know it?" This sounds like a ridiculous question. After all, wouldn't you know if you were depressed? Possibly not. Depression can take hold gradually, without a person realizing that depressive thoughts and feelings are increasingly dominating their perspective - and their life.

Many people assume that depression is easily identifiable, manifesting itself as persistent sadness that doesn't lift. In fact, symptoms of depression can take a variety of forms. Chances are that if you are reading this article, you have the feeling that something isn't quite right. You may find that you are tired all the time, and all you want to do is sleep. Depression can also trigger insomnia, forgetfulness, and an inability to take pleasure in normal activities. According to Eve Wood, MD, "People often say, 'I'm not depressed; I just don't care', but that indifference can signal depression." It turns out that excessive fatigue, insomnia, and joylessness can all be symptoms of depression.

As subtle and confusing as signs of depression can sometimes be, it's important to remember that depression is a serious illness that can cramp lives, cast a shadow over families, and even lead to suicide. A growing body of research has documented the serious and chronic effects of depression on the human brain - effects that can make a person susceptible to future incidents of depression and misdiagnosis of depression is high. The good news is that depression can be effectively treated.

Symptoms of Depression:
* Changes in weight, sleep or appetite: These signs of depression can be confusing because depending on the individual, they can take very different forms. Some depressed individuals want to sleep all the time, for example, while others may experience insomnia.
* Physical symptoms of depression that won't go away, like fatigue, headaches, back aches, digestive disorders, chronic pain, or menstrual problems
* Anxiety
* Agitation, irritability
* Forgetfulness or difficulty concentrating
* Low sex drive
* Pessimistic or hopeless outlook on life: While there are plenty of reasons to be pessimistic about the future, a depressed person is more apt to dwell on negative events and be unable to find anything to be happy about.
* Feelings of guilt or helplessness
* General apathy and lack of interest or pleasure in customary activities
* Thoughts of suicide

Experts say that certain behaviors can also be a sign of underlying depression. "People often engage in behaviors that signal "masked depression," says psychologist Lara Honos-Webb, PhD, author of Listening to Depression. Compulsive shopping, working, eating, or drinking alcohol can be signs of depression -- particularly when one feels empty or anxious when they're not participating in these activities.

What Are the Causes of Depression?
Experts say that depression is caused by an interaction of genetic factors and real life triggers. Because depression often runs in families, experts believe that genetic factors make some people more vulnerable to than others, because of their individual brain chemistry.

Depression triggers can include:
* Situational factors: Major problems and life crises -- a romantic break-up, job loss, or the death of a loved one, for example -- are often the immediate, most obvious causes of depression. But ongoing life challenges like poverty, unemployment, and social isolation, as well as childhood trauma, also put people at higher risk for depression.
* Medical factors: Chronic pain or illness can lead to depression. Certain medical conditions -- including hypothyroidism, cancer, and hepatitis -- can cause depression. Nutritional deficiencies and some medications are culprits as well. Therefore, it's important that treatment for depression include a medical evaluation.
* Stress: A connection between chronic stress and depression has been established and could explain why stressful life situations, like poverty and unemployment, put people at far higher risk for depression.

Treatment for Depression:
According to depression experts at the American Psychological Association, you should seek treatment for depression if it persists for more than two weeks -- particularly if your depression is severe enough to interfere with normal life activities. If you suspect that you are depressed, talk to your physician, who can rule out physical causes and refer you to a mental health professional.

Experts now understand that depression has to do with shifts in brain chemistry, so a piece of the treatment puzzle involves re-balancing chemicals, Wood says. But it doesn't have to involve medication. The best treatment for your symptoms depends on your individual story, she says; whether you've been depressed before, and whether your symptoms keep you in bed all day or simply sap your energy. So try to describe your history and symptoms as precisely as possible when you speak to your physician and psychotherapist.

Treatment for depression usually involves psychotherapy, antidepressants, or both, according to Susan G. Kornstein, MD, a professor in Virginia Commonwealth University's School of Medicine. Experts now believe that a combination of both is most effective. There is evidence that in many cases, psychotherapy works as well as antidepressants do, and there are no side effects, according to Whiffen. Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) for example, focuses on improving the patient's relationships to help reduce depressive symptoms.

For many people, antidepressants are very effective in treating depression, particularly when depression is severe or persistent. We don't completely understand how antidepressants work, but we do know that they readjust the balance in brain chemicals known as neurotransmitters. There are currently many different types of antidepressants on the market, so be sure to work with a psychiatrist who can help you find the medication that is most effective for you.

To read the entire article, go to: http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/could-you-be-depressed-not-know

Brian will share some of his story tomorrow regarding his dealing face to face with depression.

Tuesday, January 5, 2009: Bittersweet

Today was a good day. I went to church where I work in the nursery during Coffee Break and got my baby fix and also got to hang out with my friend that works in there as well. There is just the two of us and the most babies we have had is three. Good food, great friend and three adorable babies - it's rough but someone has to do it!

I think I was quite guarded today and wouldn't let my armor down. I didn't want to cry because if even one tear slips then I will start sobbing. Sheryl was awesome - she let me have a "normal" hour of catching up and just talking about things other than cancer.

I was afraid to look people in their eyes because I see the pity, fear and sadness in them. I was hugged many times and found out that a lot of people didn't sleep very well last night after reading the update. I'm thinking we could fill a swimming pool with all the tears that have been shed.

I talked to my nurse today and my first round of chemo is next week Tuesday. We decided to do treatment every three weeks rather than a weekly treatment. If this becomes physically too difficult for me we will switch to the weekly routine.

I was reading back in the blog to last year and the first couple of treatments didn't really cause any problems but by the third round a cumulative effect had built up and I wasn't doing so well. I will be getting all three of those doses at once next week. I just found out today that my hair will fall out with this chemo. I can't believe I have to go through that again. At least this time I know what to expect and I still have my hats and scarves.

Okay, enough thinking about that - it will be 2 to 3 weeks before that happens. Won't do me any good to dwell on it now. I will end this post with a letter that Ashley wrote tonight . . . . .


Thank you???

Hi Cancer, how are you? Where are you? oh wait, you're in my mom. I have probably asked this before but, why are you in her? She already has other things to deal with, but then of course, you had to come along and cause bad things. You may think it’s funny but I’m not laughing, no one is laughing. Yet, some how, part of my body want’s to say thank you, thank you for bringing us closer to God. Before you came, we were just a family who went to Church, and all of that but now, we are Praising God all of the time! We are not a family who just goes to Church every Sunday because we have to but because we want to and because we want to glorify Christ in any way we can! I know that in this little “speech” I said things that you did not not want to hear, like when I said Thank you. You wanted to hear, grrrrrrrrr. No, I am not that kind of person, I am a person who fights, who sets a goal and accomplishes it, I AM A PERSON WHO WILL NOT STOP FIGHTING THIS BATTLE!!! Same for my mom, she will not stop fighting! She is a person who fight’s, sets goals and accomplishes them and a person who will NOT stop fighting you no matter what you do to her! So step away from her, in the future, I see a miracle! I know that God has wonderful plans for my mom and that he will take care of her! Like my mom has said before,................SHE HAS GOT A STORY TO TELL! I’m just guessing here but, I think it will be a pretty good story! (just kidding, I am not guessing, I know that it will be a great story)! SO GET AWAY CANCER AND NEVER COME BACK!

Written by Ashley Rogalske, a person who does not give up!!

Monday, January 4, 2010: An Uphill Battle that We WILL Win!

I know there are a lot of you out there that have been anxiously waiting for this update. Sorry this took so long but we needed to make some phone calls and talk to the kids before we got the word out. You've probably figured out by now that we did not receive very good news. Dr. Downey actually confirmed some of our worst fears today.

We were able to make it out of the room and the building with minimal tears but completely lost it when we got in the van. Brian and I just held each other sobbing and trying to absorb the shock.

The results from the biopsy confirmed that the cancer has metastasized. This is not a good word to hear. It means that the cancer is still attacking and it is branching out. Right now, he believes it is confined in the area where they removed some lymph nodes because that was the only area that lit up on the PET scan, but it could be in other lymph nodes as well.

The next typical spot it would head for would be my lungs. He gave us some warning signs to watch for and so far I don't have any of them. Also, my CA125 level went up to 192.

I will be starting chemo again next week. It is the same chemo that I did last January which seemed to be quite effective with minimal side effects. They sent the tumor for testing to find out what chemo would be most effective but those results will probably not be in for a couple weeks yet.

Dr. Downey told us today that he does not believe that my cancer is curable. He mentioned this before but also said it was treatable then. We asked him straight out today what he believes my prognosis is. I'm sure this will be difficult to read as it is very difficult to type. He doesn't believe that I will make it another 5 years.

This kicked us in the gut and knocked us down. I don't remember feeling such fear and helplessness before. This is the kind of thing that happens to other people. Not to our family. It was a quiet ride home.

All this being said . . . I am still going to win this battle! When we first got into the van after the news the song "I Can Only Imagine" was playing. I wanted to scream. Why? Why after all these signs that I was going to win would this happen? I felt like this song was confirming my fears.

As we left the parking lot "Jesus Calling" was playing. I heard the words "you may think the sky above is falling, but can you hear Jesus calling?" At this point I was afraid that was confirming that Jesus was calling me through the first song and saying that I would not need to "only imagine" anymore.

The next song I heard was "He is Mighty to Save". That one caught me off guard. Mighty to save? A weight started to lift off my shoulders at this point. Right after the song the dj was talking about how God uses scriptures and songs to speak to us. He said sometimes when we're not paying attention He will just keep sending messages to us until we listen. At this point I started crying again but tears of joy. The last song was Mighty To Save.

I started to think back. Was the song I Can Only Imagine playing because He was telling me that I still at this point will only be able to imagine? Then the song Jesus Calling . . . was He getting my attention at that point to remind me that He is mighty to save?

Could it be that we will have that miracle that I need? Was God telling me this? I only know that I felt a huge weight lifted and I had a peace that I never thought I would have again. The last song I heard was "Until The Whole World Hears" - these are the lyrics

Ready yourselves, ready yourselves
Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night.
Ready yourselves, ready yourselves
May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise.
Until the whole world hears Lord we are calling out.
Lifting up Your name for all to hear the sound.
Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out
as the day draws near we'll sing until the whole world hears . . .

The poem that I posted this morning just came to me. I wasn't even thinking about it. He said "your faith has made you well, now get out there - you've got a story to tell!". What power that would be to tell the world about how God helped us beat all the odds and survive this cancer. Now that's a story to tell!

This has lifted a huge weight from me. We are still mad, in shock, disappointed, numb and emotionally drained but these songs give me hope. Those songs weren't just a coincidence. We are still planning on chemo and doing everything in our power to kick this cancer's butt. Ultimately it's in God's hands.

We have talked to the kids which was very hard. They are aware that we need a miracle. They are also aware that miracles can happen. I don't think that they really want to talk about it yet with a lot of people so if you see them, please just give them a hug or a smile or talk about the Tigers :)

We enjoyed a quiet night at home tonight. Friends brought supper for us tonight and it was delicious! The friend that wached Emily for us today brought her back with a loaf of pumpkin bread - yummy too! We've enjoyed a "normal" night together as a family. We even got a game of Apples to Apples in. The little details of life seem to be jumping out to me now.

I will beat this cancer. I still have kids to raise and a husband to grow old with. And I have a story to tell.

Monday, January 4, 2010: A Story to Tell

I will beat this cancer - oh yes I will.
It won't be from chemo or a magic pill.
God told me "your faith has made you well;
now get out there - you've got a story to tell"!

Sunday, January 3, 2010: Twas the Night Before . . .

Twas the night before the appointment and all through the house,
the anxiety was increasing - not because of a mouse.
The appointment tomorrow will give us some news
we're praying that it won't have us singing the blues.

What will he say, what will we find out?
This doctor is known to have lots of doubt.
They talk about statistics but we trust in God.
He can do anything with simply a nod.

The purpose of everything is to glorify Him
even if the results are disappointing and grim.
We try so hard to figure things out
but He has the plan - of this there's no doubt.

We can worry and stress about what we may hear
but God simply tells us - be still and draw near.
We trust in God's plan, whatever it may be
but we're praying to hear "she is now cancer free!"

I'll admit it - I'm scared - of what we may hear
He'll give us the details and confirm our worst fears.
There is no point in stressing about what tomorrow may bring
because all of that worrying won't change a thing.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Tuesday, December 29, 2009: I Will Praise You In This Storm

This morning I was sitting in a waiting room while I waited for Nathan. The song "I Will Praise You In This Storm" started playing and I knew in my heart at that point that the cancer had returned. It was God's way of preparing me for the news I would receive just a couple hours later.

Dr. Downey (or as we now call him "Downer-Downey") called this afternoon and said that the lymph node that was removed was cancerous. I asked if they could tell if it was just a trace of cancer or full of cancer and he said "it was more than a trace - we need to get together and discuss treatment options". Soooooo, back on the merry-go-round we go. Actually I guess it is more like a scary-go-round.

Right now there is still a messy house calling my name, sleepovers to be planned, supper to make and all that good stuff. I am actually doing okay and probably will be fine until next week Monday at our appointment. Right now I don't want to think about it. Cancer, what cancer? I don't know nothing about no cancer.

I will get my CA125 tested later this week and we'll talk to Dr. Downey on Monday. We will get more details then. Until then . . . there is no cancer.

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen" and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Saturday, December 26, 2009: Blah, blah, blah

Usually the title is the first thing that comes to mind when I update. Today there was nothing. Just "blah". Blah, blah, blah. Can you tell what kind of mood I'm in? In a nutshell, I have grounded myself to my bedroom because I can't seem to be pleasant to anyone. I have a tendency to be sarcastic or so Brian tells me. He quite often will say "sarcasm is always aggressive" to which I respond "yeah, so what's your point??!!" So now you know why I'm grounded.

I have been meaning to update the blog for a few days now but the busyness of the season has taken over the week. I have wanted to be Mary. I have tried and tried but Martha takes over. I have good intentions - I start out with my Martha hat on because I needed to get the last of the presents bought and wrapped, the cards addressed and all those fun activities. I intend to take my Martha hat off but suddenly Martha goes into overdrive. No time to sit at Jesus feet now - there are goodies to bake, the house is a mess, on and on and on.

I will rationalize that when everything is done then I can sit down and read a devotion. I'll enjoy it much more if the house is clean and I'm not distracted. It will be easier to focus if my to-do list is done. On and on I go until there is nothing physically or emotionally left to give. I'll crack open a devotional as I'm laying in bed drifting off to sleep so I can check off my "spent time with God today" box off my list.

I have had a few times where I just stopped the nonsense. I opened my bible and read through some Psalms, I found a devotional that really spoke to me, I connected with God and the world fell away. Life was good in that moment and that was all I wanted. Slowly though the world called out (or more likely the kids started fighting, the timer went off reminding me that we needed to leave or anxiety just started making its way into my mind).

I have been struggling with the whole gift thing this year. I love buying gifts for the kids. I can't wait to see the look on their face when they open it up. This year was no different - I sat with anticipation as they unwrapped their gifts and saw the sparkle in their eye as they realized what was in front of them. But then there was this emptiness. This look of "I need more". All the gifts were unwrapped, paper was strewn all over. All the time I had spent figuring out the perfect gift, finding the perfect gift, hiding the perfect gift and finally wrapping the perfect gift was gone. Poof. All the anticipation and poof, gone. I wasn't mad at the kids - it's human nature to always want more, to need more. They weren't asking for more - I could just sense this feeling of unfulfillment.

As I type this I wonder if that is what God sees when He looks at me. He gave us the only truly perfect gift this world has to offer. The only gift that can give us eternal joy. I accepted that gift a long time ago. I grew up in a Christian home - that gift was given to me when I was born. I grew up being taught about this gift. I went to church every Sunday and learned even more. I was diagnosed with cancer and this gift was made crystal clear to me. Over the past 40 years (yes, I said "40"!) I have listened to, learned about and shared this gift with others.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life". John 3:16

A friend of mine just recently wrote on her care pages how we tend to put this gift that God gave us into a box. A little box that we don't open. That is so true. I know I put it into one. I carefully pull it out when it is time to read the bible or work on bible study. I think I may only even lift a corner of it. That gift should be unwrapped, opened up and front and center every single minute!
In this world where there is cancer, ALS, starving children both far away and close to home, sadness, depression, terrorism and things so horrible our minds can't even comprehend them there is also this gift. This gift that I have clung to - that I have been holding tight to my chest with my arms wrapped around it. I cling to this gift as I force myself to get out of bed every morning. I hold tight as I make myself take that next step. I grasp it as I go into surgery. I hold on to it fiercely when my mind starts to go ahead to that phone call . . . "the biopsy came back - your cancer has metastasized - we need to start treatment right away".

Maybe I need to quit clinging to that gift so tightly and let it go. I need to open it up again and keep it out in front of me where I can see it. I'm not quite sure how to go about this. I knew I needed to update the blog and process all this. I feel better now and yet still scared to death at the same time. This last surgery has scared me more than I realized it would. Although "George" has been removed he must have gotten a good right hook in before he left because it feels like someone punched me in the neck. When I feel that pain I am mentally reminded of why I have pain, what was removed during surgery and the results that it may bring.

I think it is time to stuff those thoughts into a box now! All the anxiety and fear needs to be stuffed into a box - the box needs to be taped up - then the taped up box needs to be thrown into the bottom of an ocean! Maybe then I can unwrap the gift of Jesus. While I'm at it maybe I can stuff Satan and all of his army that likes to fling fiery darts at my brain into a box too. I can tie it up real tight, put a heavy anchor on it and fling that into the ocean too. I know it will slowly creep back up out of the murky water but if I can just get that gift of Jesus opened up fully then the brightness can block out all those nasty other boxes that are trying to take away my focus, time and energy.

It seems like we can so easily say "thank you God for the gift of your son". Right now I am so thankful for that gift. That is the one gift this season that will leave us fulfilled - that is if we remember to open it.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009: Goodbye George

We named the tumor the doctor removed "George". George was an unwanted guest for Christmas. Sorry, not to be rude, but George had to go! The surgery went well today. The doctor removed the swollen lymph node and now it will be sent for a biopsy. She said it was about the size of a small marble. Because of Christmas we probably won't get test results until Monday. Our prayers for a smooth surgery were answered!

Monday, December 21, 2009: Fight Like A Girl!

First I just need to say yes!! I figured out how to put this link on our blog all by myself!!! Woohoo! Now I should explain what "fight like a girl" is :)

I have been following a blog for about a month now of a fellow cancer fighter. I met Amy quite a few years back when we were both helping in the nursery during Coffee Break. She was also my nurse a few years ago when I had to make a late night visit to the ER for a blood transfusion.

Amy is an amazing woman and I find myself reliving the initial diagnosis of my cancer through her experience. At first it overwhelmed me as the memories flooded back. Although we have different types of cancer - many of the other aspects have been the same. We are both young moms (okay so she is younger than me but it sure sounded good!), we both know God will see us through and we are both kicking cancer's butt!

On top of singing God's praises during this time she is also raising awareness of breast cancer. She is having t-shirts made with the logo the I have at the top of the blog. I love it! If you are interested in buying one here is the link to her blog - http://fightinglikeagirl-amy.blogspot.com/.

On another note, tomorrow is surgery day. A nurse called today to go over my medical history and all that fun stuff. She asked me what surgery I was having done tomorrow and I said that I was having a lymph node removed from my neck. She told me that the official term for it was supraclavicular lymph node something or other. Personally I think "having a lymph node removed" is much easier to remember :)

My surgery is scheduled for 11:44 AM tomorrow and we need to arrive at 9:45. I have been okay most of the weekend and haven't really thought much about it. I had a couple times today that my eyes teared up and fear tried to take over. I was able to pray it away though. I just keep telling myself it's just a "drug induced nap". I honestly don't think we will have any results until after Christmas and it is actually the results that scare me more than the surgery itself. Although I'm not very excited about the needle for the iv in my hand thing. Never have liked it and never will!

Brian's parents will be at our house with the kids tomorrow and my parents will be with Brian at the hospital. I will be with the doctors and nurses and more importantly, God will be with us all.

December 17, 2009: Guess who turned 40...

this is Brian. It wasn't me!

hmmmmm

S U R P R I S E !!!!!!!!

Saturday, December 12, 2009: "Mary" Christmas

The song "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" was playing the other day. I found myself singing along . . . "have yourself a merry little Christmas - let your heart be light - from now on our troubles will be out of sight". I bitterly thought . . . our troubles will be out of sight? Ha! They are right her smack dab in front of me and not going anywhere anytime soon (can you tell it was a bad day?).

I was also wondering how it was possible that although I couldn't remember appointments on the calendar, phone calls I needed to return and things I needed to get done, somehow I was able to remember all the words to these old Christmas songs! That's another story though.

I've been busy lately with the "gotta find the perfect gift for the kids, hurry up and get the cards mailed out, get all the parties planned and on and on". I found myself in the toy aisle at a store yesterday just watching parents just walking around with a blank look on their face trying to decide on the perfect gift for their child.

I was pretty depressed on my way home and the song Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas popped in my mind. Instead of hearing the promises that our troubles are going to miles away I focused on two words. Merry Christmas. However, the "merry" I was thinking about was actually "Mary". Have a "Mary" Christmas. I have been having a "Martha" Christmas! I've been obsessed with do, do, do and go, go, go and have not spent any time just sitting at Jesus' feet like Mary did. I haven't focused in on the true meaning of Christmas.

I initially felt guilty but could almost hear God saying "it's not too late, you can still have a Mary Christmas". I still need to keep my Martha hat on because there are parties to plan, cards to mail, gifts to buy and all that good stuff that needs to be done. I am going to make a point of putting the Mary hat on along with the Martha hat though. And sometimes I need to just be Mary. This year I am going to have a very, Mary Christmas.

Order Now!

You can still get your calendar in time for Christmas. Click on the calendar:

Wednesday, December 9, 2009: Quick Update

A very quick update tonight . . . we made it fine to the doctors appointment . . . the storm held off for us. The doctor was great - we really liked her. She agrees that the lymph node should come out. My surgery is scheduled for December 22. We are feeling very good about it. That's all for now - will update more tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009: He's Not Finished With Me Yet

This morning I read what I had typed the night before. Wow, I was bitter. That was what I felt at the time though. Bitter, disappointed, numb and lost. Next I read the comments that people left. Wow again. Your words were so encouraging.

Later this morning the song Wait and See by Brandon Health was playing on the radio. When I turned it on these were the words that I heard . . .

Still wondering why I'm here. Still wrestling with my fear but oh... He's up to something. And the farther on I go - I've seen enough to know that I'm not here for nothing. He's up to something.

There is hope for me yet because God won't forget all the plans he's made for me. I have to wait and see - he's not finished with me yet.

I've heard this song many times before and have always liked it. Today it really hit home. It was as if God was saying "hang in there - I'm not done with you yet".

Our appointment tomorrow is at 4:00. I'm hoping this storm everyone is talking about will hold out long enough that we can get there and back safely (the appointment is in Grand Rapids). The doctor will evaluate the lump tomorrow and decide if surgery is even possible. We'll update again tomorrow night.

Thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement - they pulled me out of a dark and lonely place.

Yea, yea, yea!!!! I just heard that my grandpa's tests came back from surgery . . . the cancer was contained and they believe they got it all out!!!!! Woohoooooooo!!!!!

Monday, December 7, 2009: Cancer Shmancer

I wasn't sure what to title this post. Cancer sucks. Stupid cancer. I hate cancer. No happy ending. It's more than just a lymph node. Clear PET scan - not!! All sorts of ideas but "cancer shmancer" kept coming to my mind.

My lump is more than just a lymph node. It's most likely a cancerous lymph node that needs to be removed. I'm not sure what the radiologist was thinking when he decided myPET scan had "nothing to be concerned about". Ha! We were able to look at the scan today and could see the lump and it was very bright. My doctor noticed it right away - I'm guessing they didn't want me worrying about it all weekend long so they didn't tell me.

I have an appointment with a surgeon at 4:00 on Wednesday. She will feel the lump then and decide if it is able to be removed or not. If it is, then we will set up an appointment. It would be an outpatient procedure and I would be under general anesthesia. Just one more surgery to add to my ever-growing list.

They will send it to be biopsied and my doctor should have the pathology reports within a couple days. He said it's not imperative that it is removed right away but if they have an opening before Christmas we should take it. From a financial perspective it would be best to have it before next year. I've already met my out-of-pocket maximum for this year. I'm pretty sure I met it before January was even done.

Brian and I had a very quiet ride home this afternoon. What do you say at this point? Well, other than "cancer sucks". Big time. I'm mad, sad, overwhelmed, discouraged and numb all at the same time. I'm mostly just numb.

I started looking at the pictures on my cell phone as we were driving home. Brian asked me what I was doing (actually he asked me if I was texting my boyfriend - even during times like this he can make me smile). I told him I was looking at all the reasons I have to fight. I'm so tired and don't know that I have a lot of fight in me. Looking at the pictures of my family though reminds me that I can and will fight. Eventually this stupid cancer will realize it picked the wrong person to mess with!

Brian's turn:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Here's a message to cancer:
I HATE YOU

Saturday, December 5, 2009: Happy Endings

I love movies with happy endings. If I know ahead of time that a movie has a sad ending I won't even watch it. I have enough going on in my own life that I don't need to be shedding tears over fictional characters.

We have had a lot of happy endings over here lately. Two weeks ago we were anxiously awaiting scans, surgeries and test results in our family. Our first news was to hear that Eric's surgery went well and was a success - yea! The next day my PET scan results came back "nothing of concern" - more yea! A couple days later we heard that the test results for Brian's uncle had come back great and he didn't need to go back for 2 years - yea, yea, yea! And just two days ago my grandpa had his surgery and guess what? The doctors were happy with the surgery. Can you hear the hallelujah chorus??

Despite all these happy endings I still find myself dwelling on the fact that so much pain, suffering and disease has hit our family. Once my mind starts down that path it snowballs out of control. As I was thinking about this a verse came to my mind . . .

"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

I've discovered that when I focus on that and not on my problems that life becomes much easier to bear. I've been doing better with my quiet time with God and during those times I feel like I could conquer anything. I've even gotten to the point that I was able to tell God that if the cancer comes back I will be okay because I know that He works all things for His good - for His glory. It has taken me a very long time to get to that point. Unfortunately shortly after I feel that peace life can overwhelm me and I'm filled with anxiety and fearing the worst.

I read in a book recently that when you hold a nickel up to your eye it can block out the sun. Something as little as a nickel can block out something as huge as the sun. It is because our focus is completely on the nickel. If we would look up then we would realize how small that nickel really is. If we take our eyes off our problems and look up to God and remember His power it will put things back into perspective. However, we are human and that is just not in our nature. I am trying though, really trying to keep that nickel out of my vision.

Tomorrow at 3:45 Brian and I will be meeting with Dr. Downey. He will be checking the lumps that I found in my neck. I have gone from fearing that I have lymphoma or thyroid cancer (yes, I made the mistake of looking on the internet) to deciding that it is just simply a swollen lymph node that is fighting some sort of virus.

Right now it is way past my bedtime so I am headed to bed. I will update again tomorrow night with what I am hoping will be good news.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009: Results

My PET scan came back with "nothing of concern"! I was quite surprised to hear that - surprised and extremely happy! They did say something about my lymph nodes - I can't remember exactly what she said (I was still thinking about the fact that there was nothing to be concerned about!). They said that they weren't enlarged though and they were the same size they were in 2006 so they are not concerned at this point.

I found a couple lumps under my collar bone that are concerning me. Initially it was one lump the size of a pea, now it's two lumps and they seem to be getting bigger. My doctor is going to check it out on Monday and if he feels there is any concern he will have them biopsied or removed or both. I'm just praying that they will be gone by Monday!

Eric's surgery went good on Tuesday! They were able to put the feeding tube in and they have people coming to their house to show them how to use it. I am so, so, so happy that the surgery was successful and that Lori was able to have peace during his surgery.

We are still waiting on the results for Brian's uncle - hopefully they will hear soon. My grandpa is scheduled for surgery on Friday. He will need to stay in the hospital for about a week and then recover a few weeks in a nursing home after that. This will be a big adjustment for my grandma. The hospital he is going to is in Grand Rapids and my grandma is not able to drive. I will keep everyone updated with this and would really appreciate prayers for our family.