Monday, May 3, 2010

Monday, May 3, 2010: Heavy and Never-Ending

The title a few posts back was "Light and Momentary Troubles". When I started typing that update it was simply to vent, whine and complain. I wanted a remote control so I could fast forward, rewind or at least pause life right now. I wanted to be anywhere in life but where we were right then.

The rest of the post was God reshaping my attitude. He taught me about pain and suffering and looking beyond our current circumstances to our unseen eternal future by showing me 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 -

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I didn't know as I typed those verses that the very next day they would be read during Eric's funeral service. Those verses have been what Lori & Eric had clung to, believed in and lived out for the past few years.

I vividly remember talking to my sister at our family camping trip three years ago about this verse. After she had quoted the verse I said "light and momentary? I don't think so". She has never wavered on this. Ever. I believe this verse . . . I believe that we are outwardly wasting away but inwardly being renewed. I believe that our troubles are achieving us an eternal glory that we can't even begin to understand. I believe that what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal. My struggle is with those two words "light" and "momentary".

In the grand scheme of things, yes, these problems are light and momentary. In the here and now though they feel so heavy and never-ending. I know better days are coming or at least better moments. Right now I have such a heavy heart though. I've made it through the past couple of weeks one step at a time. Some of the steps were hard. Some were taken numbly - one foot after another. Other steps felt like I had to physically lift each leg off the ground and throw it forward while wanting desperately to just leave my foot planted so the next minute wouldn't come. So I didn't have to go through the next painful event.

After the visitations and funeral I did my best to focus on Ashley's special day yesterday. But like Brian's last post said - there was a sadness just lingering. Today starts more chemo. A new reminder that the cancer is still there. The "silver lining" is that the daily chemo pill that I can take at home was approved by insurance and our co-pay is only $200 for a three month supply.

In about an hour I have to go have a tooth pulled. This has been rescheduled multiple times because of life recently. In a nutshell, the gum has detached from my tooth and is very receded. It has been causing a lot of pain and the best option for me at this point is to simply have it pulled. Once I start the chemo my blood counts will take a hit and I won't be able to have dental work done (risk of infections and bleeding) so today the tooth goes. I have anxiety over simply having my teeth cleaned - toady's appointment has nearly put me into a panic attack a couple times already.

I know Brian mentioned in his update yesterday that maybe today's post would be bright & cheery. Nope, not there yet. He called it right on when he said that satan has a grip on us right now. This used to scare me but it doesn't anymore. He may have his claws in us right now but we are aware of it and that is more than half of that battle right there. We know (and he knows) that this grip is temporary and that the ultimate battle with him has already been won. There is absolutely nothing he can do about that. Nothing. By messing with us he is simply ticking off a lot of people right now. His plan is back-firing. He is not gaining any ground in this war but he is fueling the army that is against him. He is giving us a place to direct our anger - at him!

Although I sit here emotionally numb and physically exhausted I know that "lighter" days are coming and that these problems are "momentary". I am struggling in my mind with this concept but deep down in my heart I know it is true. And I know that while I physically pick up my foot to take the next step (while simultaneously kicking the enemy) I know that there are so many people in front of me to catch me when I stumble, next to me to hold my hand and behind me encouraging me on to take that next step.

Look out satan - when I push the button "publish post" right now I am unleashing a great big army . . . and they are coming after you.