Who was that person filled with so much peace just 10 hours ago? I don't know where she went but I want her back. Early this afternoon I started having sharp stomach pains and seem to have some sort of stomach bug. I've been tired, cold, hot, nauseous and in pain most of the afternoon and evening. I'm starting to feel better physically but emotionally I'm a wreck. Why me? Why us? I haven't used this word in a while, but this just sucks. Cancer sucks.
Brian is still tired too. He runs, he eats healthy and he's still tired. Why? He has to work, take care of me and the kids and so, so, so much more. Why can't he have energy? As you can see I'm in the whiny mode. We had friends take all of our children tonight for a sleepover. A date night and I get sick. Why?
Okay, enough complaining. I know joy will come in the morning but these nights of weeping are so tiring. This journey is so tiring. It's exhausting just thinking about the weekly chemo treatments I have to look forward to and when my mind starts wandering about the statistics, well, I'm trying desperately to not even go there.
So, prayer warriors, please lift our arms up for us now because we don't have the strength to do it alone.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009: A New Journey Begins
I'll start with the question everyone is wondering . . . my CA125 went from 139 to 172. This being said, I am completely at peace. I don't question why God sent me last week for the prayers of healing. He did heal me then and continues to heal me now. The vision one person had during my meeting last week was a blood transfusion from Jesus to me. A continuous blood transfusion - His blood is always replacing my bad with His good. It's a continuous process.
I also feel confident that I need to go through some more chemo. I will start this new round on the 12th. It sounds like it is a fairly tolerable chemo. I don't know why I have to endure this but I do know that God will use it for His glory.
I just finished reading the book The Shack. I know there is quite a bit of controversy about this book. For me, it was so enlightening. I didn't take it as gospel . . . it's a fictional book but it helped me to think beyond my limited imagination. I have such a peace right now and feel closer to God than ever. I'm not saying you need to go out and read the book because I'm sure it isn't for everyone. For me it was a perfectly timed book for what I am going through.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
I also feel confident that I need to go through some more chemo. I will start this new round on the 12th. It sounds like it is a fairly tolerable chemo. I don't know why I have to endure this but I do know that God will use it for His glory.
I just finished reading the book The Shack. I know there is quite a bit of controversy about this book. For me, it was so enlightening. I didn't take it as gospel . . . it's a fictional book but it helped me to think beyond my limited imagination. I have such a peace right now and feel closer to God than ever. I'm not saying you need to go out and read the book because I'm sure it isn't for everyone. For me it was a perfectly timed book for what I am going through.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009: Happy New Year
Wow, I can't believe we have begun a new year. In just 22 days it will be our two year anniversary of my diagnosis. Some days time just seems to crawl and yet when I look back it is just flying by.
I have been meaning to update since Monday and I have been struggling with what to say. I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around what happened on Monday. If I typed out all the God moment events that led up to this meeting it would fill pages and pages so I will just say God made it clear that although this was something completely out of my comfort zone, it was something He wanted me to do.
I had four people praying over me with such conviction. They read scripture and prayed over me demanding this cancer leave my body and that any remaining traces of cancer be burned up by God's holy fire. I have to admit my mind was filled with doubt at first. Even now I am overwhelmed with it all. My mind keeps thinking over and over "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24) I believe that God can do this but I have trouble understanding why He would choose me.
I went in yesterday to have my CA125 checked once more before I begin chemo. Can you imagine if I finally hit that magical number 35?? I will be singing it from the roof tops! For those of you that know me, you know that I prefer to be behind the scenes . . . way behind the scenes! If God has chosen to heal me through these humble servants of His that prayed for me then I will have no choice but to be front and center!
My earthly mind is having such a hard time grasping the possibility and then I think "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isiah 55:9) My simple mind is not able to grasp such a possibility.
Because today is a holiday I won't have the CA125 results until tomorrow. So now, we wait. I am surprisingly not anxious about this. At the beginning of this journey with cancer I said "put your glasses on because God is going to shine bright through me". In addition to that I'm thinking we need to hang on tight cuz God is up to something big!
I have been meaning to update since Monday and I have been struggling with what to say. I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around what happened on Monday. If I typed out all the God moment events that led up to this meeting it would fill pages and pages so I will just say God made it clear that although this was something completely out of my comfort zone, it was something He wanted me to do.
I had four people praying over me with such conviction. They read scripture and prayed over me demanding this cancer leave my body and that any remaining traces of cancer be burned up by God's holy fire. I have to admit my mind was filled with doubt at first. Even now I am overwhelmed with it all. My mind keeps thinking over and over "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24) I believe that God can do this but I have trouble understanding why He would choose me.
I went in yesterday to have my CA125 checked once more before I begin chemo. Can you imagine if I finally hit that magical number 35?? I will be singing it from the roof tops! For those of you that know me, you know that I prefer to be behind the scenes . . . way behind the scenes! If God has chosen to heal me through these humble servants of His that prayed for me then I will have no choice but to be front and center!
My earthly mind is having such a hard time grasping the possibility and then I think "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isiah 55:9) My simple mind is not able to grasp such a possibility.
Because today is a holiday I won't have the CA125 results until tomorrow. So now, we wait. I am surprisingly not anxious about this. At the beginning of this journey with cancer I said "put your glasses on because God is going to shine bright through me". In addition to that I'm thinking we need to hang on tight cuz God is up to something big!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008: Prayers of Healing
Tomorrow I will be going with a friend to meet with someone that is in the healing ministry. She prays over people who are ill and with the authority given to her through Jesus name she demands the enemy (which in my case is the cancer) to leave. This is not the traveling evangelist thing where they hit you on the head and declare you to be well. This is a very humble woman who is doing what she believes God is asking of her. She doesn't promise healing - she just prays scripture and what God puts on her heart.
There have been so many God moments along the way that have led up to this meeting tomorrow. I know God wants me to go with an open heart and mind. I am excited and scared and a bit confused about this all at the same time. So, I am asking for prayers for this meeting - for protection from the evil one and for my faith to be strong.
There have been so many God moments along the way that have led up to this meeting tomorrow. I know God wants me to go with an open heart and mind. I am excited and scared and a bit confused about this all at the same time. So, I am asking for prayers for this meeting - for protection from the evil one and for my faith to be strong.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008: Would You Like Some Cheese?
I am just wondering how many of you would like some cheese to go with my whine. Wow, I read my post from yesterday and I was so whiny! I'm not so sure about this honesty thing - it's almost too easy to do on a blog. Now I've gone and blown the secret that I'm not perfect :)
I am doing much better today and have a better attitude. I am reading the book of Exodus today since yesterday I sounded like the Israelites when they were grumbling as they were being led out of Egypt. All those miracles and they still whined. The fact that I am still alive is a miracle in itself and that is just one of the many miracles God has showed us over the past couple years. And still I whine. Like I said in yesterdays update, I am so thankful that God is forgiving. What I forgot about was the fact that first I need to ask Him to forgive me.
I've finally wised up and invited Jesus to my pity party and what a difference that makes. Instead of having guests like fear, anger and dread I have peace, hope and grace. Much better guest list. I have been so wrapped up in myself that I haven't asked for prayers for anyone except myself. On that note, here are a few specific areas for prayer:
*Brian - he still struggles with the tiredness. He has good days and bad days as we all do. The pressure to be the provider especially in this economy is draining. I'm sure watching me go through this has to be so difficult. He never ceases to amaze me.
*Ashley, Nathan & Emily - for courage as we start this next round with chemo. They are doing so well with it but every once in a while it just hits them. We have been more open with them and are not hiding our tears as much. They understand the seriousness of this and yet they also know how powerful God is. I can't wait to hear from them some day when they are older how this journey has shaped them.
*Papi - yup, the family dog. I don't really have any prayer requests for him but didn't want him to feel left out :) He has been such a blessing to us! The night that we were all crying after hearing the news we had Papi running around licking our tears as fast as he could! You can't cry and laugh at the same time and his persistence just makes you have to laugh. Should this chemo cause fatigue I know Papi will be there curled up on my lap with me.
My sister and her family - I don't know how Lori & Eric do it. If you are new to our blog you can click on the link on our page to read their blog. They have their good days and bad days just like us and they are such a great example of peace during the midst of a storm.
My parents (Steve & Linda) - how do you watch your daughters go through such life changing events? I'm sure the urge to protect your children from anything bad never goes away. Even after they have grown up and started a family of their own.
All my friends and family - I know they all want to "fix" this for me. Pray that we will understand that there isn't anything to fix - just a journey to be walked through . . . together.
I am doing much better today and have a better attitude. I am reading the book of Exodus today since yesterday I sounded like the Israelites when they were grumbling as they were being led out of Egypt. All those miracles and they still whined. The fact that I am still alive is a miracle in itself and that is just one of the many miracles God has showed us over the past couple years. And still I whine. Like I said in yesterdays update, I am so thankful that God is forgiving. What I forgot about was the fact that first I need to ask Him to forgive me.
I've finally wised up and invited Jesus to my pity party and what a difference that makes. Instead of having guests like fear, anger and dread I have peace, hope and grace. Much better guest list. I have been so wrapped up in myself that I haven't asked for prayers for anyone except myself. On that note, here are a few specific areas for prayer:
*Brian - he still struggles with the tiredness. He has good days and bad days as we all do. The pressure to be the provider especially in this economy is draining. I'm sure watching me go through this has to be so difficult. He never ceases to amaze me.
*Ashley, Nathan & Emily - for courage as we start this next round with chemo. They are doing so well with it but every once in a while it just hits them. We have been more open with them and are not hiding our tears as much. They understand the seriousness of this and yet they also know how powerful God is. I can't wait to hear from them some day when they are older how this journey has shaped them.
*Papi - yup, the family dog. I don't really have any prayer requests for him but didn't want him to feel left out :) He has been such a blessing to us! The night that we were all crying after hearing the news we had Papi running around licking our tears as fast as he could! You can't cry and laugh at the same time and his persistence just makes you have to laugh. Should this chemo cause fatigue I know Papi will be there curled up on my lap with me.
My sister and her family - I don't know how Lori & Eric do it. If you are new to our blog you can click on the link on our page to read their blog. They have their good days and bad days just like us and they are such a great example of peace during the midst of a storm.
My parents (Steve & Linda) - how do you watch your daughters go through such life changing events? I'm sure the urge to protect your children from anything bad never goes away. Even after they have grown up and started a family of their own.
All my friends and family - I know they all want to "fix" this for me. Pray that we will understand that there isn't anything to fix - just a journey to be walked through . . . together.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008: Unanswered Prayers
I know there have been so many people praying for us and one of the specific requests was for my CA125 level to go down. There have been a lot of disappointed people, myself included. Why? Why, why, why, why, why?!?! Well, I was in one of my pity parties recently and all the sudden the song Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks popped in my head. Specifically the chorus . . . sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers - remember when you're talking to the man upstairs that just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care - some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.
Okay, so the grammar isn't the best but the words are so fitting. I can't imagine the fact that my CA125 level not going down could be a great gift! I know God is going to use this for His glory but to be honest, I wish He would pick someone else to use. I'm tired. Tired of the whole cancer thing.
I was thinking about my testimony that I shared in April of 2007. I believe I said the words "if you are being challenged, you are really being blessed". I honestly truly meant the words when I said them but right now I think that if I had been sitting and listening to myself that day I would have said "are you kidding me? blessed?". It must have been God talking when I gave my testimony because I remember being truly sincere and so at peace. I seem to be in a different place now. I'm still in a good place, most of the time, but now I'm tired. I've been there, done that and am really quite sick of it.
I know God will use this for His glory and deep down I am thankful He is continuing to use our family to show His greatness. But some days, I just want to be back to "normal". Before cancer even happened. I'm sure God isn't happy with my grumbling and I wish I wasn't so "human". I am so grateful that God is so forgiving and loving and patient with me.
Thanks for reading and praying and journeying with us. Please pray that the cancer will stay under control during the next couple weeks until I start chemo again. My doctor feels safe waiting until after the holidays but thinking about the cancer growing is a bit scary. In my heart, I knew it was back. I've known it for a while but didn't want to believe it because that would have made it real. I also believe without a doubt that I'll beat this once again. We just have to journey back down that chemo road once more and deal with all the joys it brings :)
I also believe that there is a great deal of spiritual warfare going on in my head. If spiritual warfare and discernment is a gift that you have I would so appreciate your prayers in this area. Please pray for whatever you are lead to pray!
My verse I continue to cling to is this:
Psalm 118:17 - I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done.
I will beat this cancer and will go and tell anyone that will listen to me that it was God that healed me.
Okay, so the grammar isn't the best but the words are so fitting. I can't imagine the fact that my CA125 level not going down could be a great gift! I know God is going to use this for His glory but to be honest, I wish He would pick someone else to use. I'm tired. Tired of the whole cancer thing.
I was thinking about my testimony that I shared in April of 2007. I believe I said the words "if you are being challenged, you are really being blessed". I honestly truly meant the words when I said them but right now I think that if I had been sitting and listening to myself that day I would have said "are you kidding me? blessed?". It must have been God talking when I gave my testimony because I remember being truly sincere and so at peace. I seem to be in a different place now. I'm still in a good place, most of the time, but now I'm tired. I've been there, done that and am really quite sick of it.
I know God will use this for His glory and deep down I am thankful He is continuing to use our family to show His greatness. But some days, I just want to be back to "normal". Before cancer even happened. I'm sure God isn't happy with my grumbling and I wish I wasn't so "human". I am so grateful that God is so forgiving and loving and patient with me.
Thanks for reading and praying and journeying with us. Please pray that the cancer will stay under control during the next couple weeks until I start chemo again. My doctor feels safe waiting until after the holidays but thinking about the cancer growing is a bit scary. In my heart, I knew it was back. I've known it for a while but didn't want to believe it because that would have made it real. I also believe without a doubt that I'll beat this once again. We just have to journey back down that chemo road once more and deal with all the joys it brings :)
I also believe that there is a great deal of spiritual warfare going on in my head. If spiritual warfare and discernment is a gift that you have I would so appreciate your prayers in this area. Please pray for whatever you are lead to pray!
My verse I continue to cling to is this:
Psalm 118:17 - I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done.
I will beat this cancer and will go and tell anyone that will listen to me that it was God that healed me.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008: Thank You!
We just wanted to thank everyone for your prayers over the past couple of days. We continue to feel a warm blanket of prayer continuing to cover us. We are all doing quite well considering the news. The kids get to enjoy a snow day today as we continue to get pounded by snow...up to 12" today! I guess there's no doubt we'll have a white Christmas this year!!
A person from New London, Wisconsin was our 100,000th hit on the blog. I wish we could say we had a million dollars for that person but we don't. Only a million thanks - to all of you!!!! What a journey, eh?
I've used this verse before, but it is appropriate again (not really the same context as our situation, but the verse applies):
"weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
We've had many nights of weeping followed by mornings of calmness and rejoicing...rejoicing due to the effects of your prayers!! Amazing. Simply amazing.
A person from New London, Wisconsin was our 100,000th hit on the blog. I wish we could say we had a million dollars for that person but we don't. Only a million thanks - to all of you!!!! What a journey, eh?
I've used this verse before, but it is appropriate again (not really the same context as our situation, but the verse applies):
"weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
We've had many nights of weeping followed by mornings of calmness and rejoicing...rejoicing due to the effects of your prayers!! Amazing. Simply amazing.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008: Half Full, Remember?
Well, we didn't receive the Christmas miracle we were praying for but we're OK with the news. Kristi's nurse called at about 5:45 to tell us her CA125 level went up to 139. We meet with Dr. Downey on January 5 but the plan is that Kristi will begin weekly chemo at the chemo clinic in GR in January. She will be given low doses of Taxol and biological therapy. That's all the info we know at this point. This was very hard news to take right before Christmas. The best therapy right now is to just focus on celebrating the birthday of our Savior and enjoying a lot of family time. If you could do me a favor...being the over-protective husband that I am - please don't dwell on this news when you see Kristi. Please don't ask Kristi about the cancer. Please don't ask details about "what's next?" Just a simple hug or a smile mean a lot. I hope you understand. Talking about "it" can be very difficult and emotionally draining. Thanks for understanding.
Obviously we were disappointed but after a good family cry we're actually doing quite well now. The kids took it extra hard this time. Nathan's whaling sent me over the edge. Kristi held Ashley and I had Nathan. They seemed to be doing better when I dropped them off at church. The best thing for them now is for things to seem normal. If you see them at church or school just give them a hug but please don't talk about the cancer or ask "how is your mommy doing?"
At least we have the next 3 weeks where we can just enjoy some quiet family time. The kids get 2 weeks off of school and I get 10 days off. That will be a very nice break for all of us.
I'm going to keep it short tonight because we have more phone calls to make. Thanks for the continued prayers!
Kristi wanted to add this verse:
"I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done." Psalm 118:17
Obviously we were disappointed but after a good family cry we're actually doing quite well now. The kids took it extra hard this time. Nathan's whaling sent me over the edge. Kristi held Ashley and I had Nathan. They seemed to be doing better when I dropped them off at church. The best thing for them now is for things to seem normal. If you see them at church or school just give them a hug but please don't talk about the cancer or ask "how is your mommy doing?"
At least we have the next 3 weeks where we can just enjoy some quiet family time. The kids get 2 weeks off of school and I get 10 days off. That will be a very nice break for all of us.
I'm going to keep it short tonight because we have more phone calls to make. Thanks for the continued prayers!
Kristi wanted to add this verse:
"I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done." Psalm 118:17
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008: Pray BOLDLY!
Last year at this time we were preparing for the worst. The doctor found spots on Kristi’s liver and he told us before surgery that he was “gravely concerned” for what he was going to find. We sent out a request for everyone to “pray boldly” that the cancer would be gone and God came through in a big way! We had thousands of people praying for Kirsti that day. What a day that was!! During the surgery the doctor was amazed to find no cancer on her liver and no signs of active cancer anywhere else. That day was December 18, 2007. Well, here we are, one year later to the day!
Kristi will go in for blood work tomorrow (her birthday) and we expect to get the results Thursday – December 18. We’re asking for another miracle. Please pray boldly again that her CA125 level takes an unexpected plunge. Not just a drop, but a PLUNGE. It is currently at 123. Pray for 35. Pray for 25. Pray for 15!! BE BOLD. Let's get thousands of people praying again. Let's hold Kristi up in non-stop prayer again. C'mon prayer warriors, we can do it!! Pass this along to a hundred people you know. Let's get on our knees together Wednesday morning at 9:30AM - blood draw time. Stop what you're doing. PRAY. PRAY. PRAY. Make the batteries go dead in that prayer pager!!
Remember…”with God all things are possible.”
Kristi will go in for blood work tomorrow (her birthday) and we expect to get the results Thursday – December 18. We’re asking for another miracle. Please pray boldly again that her CA125 level takes an unexpected plunge. Not just a drop, but a PLUNGE. It is currently at 123. Pray for 35. Pray for 25. Pray for 15!! BE BOLD. Let's get thousands of people praying again. Let's hold Kristi up in non-stop prayer again. C'mon prayer warriors, we can do it!! Pass this along to a hundred people you know. Let's get on our knees together Wednesday morning at 9:30AM - blood draw time. Stop what you're doing. PRAY. PRAY. PRAY. Make the batteries go dead in that prayer pager!!
Remember…”with God all things are possible.”
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008: Climbing Up
Wow, what a difference a day can make. Yesterday at this time I was so far buried in a pit that I honestly didn't think I would ever make it out again. Your encouragement and prayers have been wonderful. I was even fortunate to have had a God moment at church today. I have to admit at the time I was still trying to absorb it and my walls were still up but the more I think about it the more the walls go down. My faith is back and my fight is getting there and my mood has greatly improved. I was able to laugh today and play with the kids. I also found out there are some people out there going through these same feelings and I'm not alone. I don't know what I would do without my support system - my family, my friends and my bloggers!
Please continue to pray for my faith to continue to grow. Pray also for the decisions that will need to be made this week. It's been a year of "yes, the number went up a bit but let's give it another month". Well, we are literally at the end of that now and decisions will need to be made. Pray that we will keep our minds open all options. Pray also that Satan would loosen his grip on my mind and would get lost. By letting all my negative self talk bring me down I let Satan get quite a foot hold and I need to reverse that damage.
Thank you for lifting me up when I am down. I haven't completely learned what this new trial is all about but I'm getting there. Please pray for Brian and the kids too. Brian is such a trooper. He had a very difficult weekend last week but now that I am down, he is right there with me ready to walk this road with me. God knew what He was doing when he put us together!
Please continue to pray for my faith to continue to grow. Pray also for the decisions that will need to be made this week. It's been a year of "yes, the number went up a bit but let's give it another month". Well, we are literally at the end of that now and decisions will need to be made. Pray that we will keep our minds open all options. Pray also that Satan would loosen his grip on my mind and would get lost. By letting all my negative self talk bring me down I let Satan get quite a foot hold and I need to reverse that damage.
Thank you for lifting me up when I am down. I haven't completely learned what this new trial is all about but I'm getting there. Please pray for Brian and the kids too. Brian is such a trooper. He had a very difficult weekend last week but now that I am down, he is right there with me ready to walk this road with me. God knew what He was doing when he put us together!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008: Behind The Smile
Have you ever been so down you didn't know how you would get back up? How about put on a smile when all you wanted to do was cry? Told someone you were fine when really you weren't? Wondered if God really cared? Lost hope? Been surrounded by people and yet felt completely alone? If you have, you're not alone. I've just described the past couple days of my life.
I'm so hesitant to even post this. This whole honest thing is sometimes quite difficult. I just know I'm so down that I don't know what else to do. I know that the prayers are my only hope of getting out of this.
Last year after I received the call saying the cancer had spread to my liver I had complete peace and faith that the cancer was gone despite this news. I don't have peace and I don't know what happened to my faith. I'm having trouble praying and even reading the bible. I try to think of positive things in my head and instantly a negative thought comes to mind.
I read the comments and emails from people that say how I have inspired them and I can only think "if they could see me now". I feel like a disappointment and failure and have lost my fight. I'm probably supposed to be learning something through this but I just can't see it right now. I just really hope this ends soon because it is really hard to try to keep this from the kids - I know Ashley can sense something is wrong and I can only keep telling her that I'm tired for so long.
So I'm asking for prayers for my faith to be renewed, that I can get up out of this pit, that I will find that peace once again. Please also keep Brian and the kids in your prayers as I'm sure seeing me like this is very difficult for them.
I'm so hesitant to even post this. This whole honest thing is sometimes quite difficult. I just know I'm so down that I don't know what else to do. I know that the prayers are my only hope of getting out of this.
Last year after I received the call saying the cancer had spread to my liver I had complete peace and faith that the cancer was gone despite this news. I don't have peace and I don't know what happened to my faith. I'm having trouble praying and even reading the bible. I try to think of positive things in my head and instantly a negative thought comes to mind.
I read the comments and emails from people that say how I have inspired them and I can only think "if they could see me now". I feel like a disappointment and failure and have lost my fight. I'm probably supposed to be learning something through this but I just can't see it right now. I just really hope this ends soon because it is really hard to try to keep this from the kids - I know Ashley can sense something is wrong and I can only keep telling her that I'm tired for so long.
So I'm asking for prayers for my faith to be renewed, that I can get up out of this pit, that I will find that peace once again. Please also keep Brian and the kids in your prayers as I'm sure seeing me like this is very difficult for them.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008: Minute by Minute
We are doing fairly well here - it changes from minute to minute though. One minute we are great and strong and the next minute we hear a song or a comment and boom! We're down flat on our face.
I believe with everything in me that this cancer is gone. I wish I could say that I believed it every single minute of the day, unfortunately, I'm human. I slip up and let thoughts of chemo enter my brain and it spirals down from there.
Brian has the added stress of working in the automotive industry. So many jobs are being cut everywhere and no one is immune from it. We believe in our heart that if he should lose his job that God will provide for all of our needs. Our mind though is another story. It is so easy to play the "what if" game. We try to take control of our lives and make our own plans.
Thank you for your constant prayers - they are what keeps us going. I have a strange favor to ask. If you see us at church or work or the store or anywhere, could you just ask us how we are enjoying the snow or if we have our Christmas shopping done yet . . . okay, so don't ask me that. . . more stress! All it takes is a line in a song or a innocent comment from a child and we fall apart. We are doing our best to not think about the unknowns and simply live in today. Just a simple smile from you tells us that you care. Thank you :)
I believe with everything in me that this cancer is gone. I wish I could say that I believed it every single minute of the day, unfortunately, I'm human. I slip up and let thoughts of chemo enter my brain and it spirals down from there.
Brian has the added stress of working in the automotive industry. So many jobs are being cut everywhere and no one is immune from it. We believe in our heart that if he should lose his job that God will provide for all of our needs. Our mind though is another story. It is so easy to play the "what if" game. We try to take control of our lives and make our own plans.
Thank you for your constant prayers - they are what keeps us going. I have a strange favor to ask. If you see us at church or work or the store or anywhere, could you just ask us how we are enjoying the snow or if we have our Christmas shopping done yet . . . okay, so don't ask me that. . . more stress! All it takes is a line in a song or a innocent comment from a child and we fall apart. We are doing our best to not think about the unknowns and simply live in today. Just a simple smile from you tells us that you care. Thank you :)
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008: Helpless?
As she lies next to me sleeping so peacefully it drives me crazy that the cancer cells are multiplying with every breath. I can remodel a bathroom and I can build a barn. But any of the tools I use for that stuff pale in comparison to the tool I have to beat this cancer. The tool of prayer. Whenever I start feeling down and helpless I try to remember that. It's not always easy. Sometimes it drives me nuts that I can't go out to the garage and grab one of my power tools and crush this cancer. Sometimes I do feel helpless. Let's pray for each other that when we feel weak and helpless that we will remember that our mighty God is our most powerful power tool we have!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008: A Call to Prayer Warriors
Well, we were expecting Kristi’s CA125 number to go up…we just didn’t expect it to go up by so much. Kristi’s new CA125 number is 123. This obviously came as a big shock. We’re kind of numb at this point. Unfortunately, we’re used to this sort of news. When you get this kind of phone call you go through all sorts of emotions. After having a good cry, we’re both doing pretty good now. The next step is more blood work on December 17 (Kristi’s birthday). That means we get the results on the 18th. Remember the Christmas miracle we got last year?!?! Well, let’s pray for the same type of miracle this year. If her CA125 level stays above 100 we will meet with Dr. Downey to plan the next steps. Our fear is that he will want to do the “hard” chemo right before Christmas. If it’s below 100, we stay on our current path. Please pray for calm during this uncertain time. Thank you.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008: Time is Flying
We’re still very busy here! We had a great Thanksgiving weekend spending time with family and friends. Thanksgiving day we spent with Kristi’s family. Friday, after shopping all morning, we spent the day with Lori and Eric helping them with their new house. They found a house that is handicap accessible and just moved in last week - it is an awesome house! God has been really good to them!! Friday night Kristi joined us and we just hung out with Lori and Eric eating good food and we watched a movie (WITHOUT KIDS!!). We had a really good time. For the new bloggers – Lori is Kristi’s sister. Eric, Lori’s husband, was diagnosed with ALS 4 months after Kristi was diagnosed with cancer. Since then, both Kristi and Eric have taken a “be better not bitter” attitude and have been glorifying God in their walk. You can check out Lori and Eric’s blog by clicking on the link to the right.
Saturday we just worked around the house and spent some time with friends and Sunday we spent the day at my parent’s house with my brothers and their families. It’s always nice to see the families. I can’t believe how fast the kids are growing up! I also can’t believe that my nieces can belch louder than I can! Impressive, very impressive.
Kristi goes in tomorrow for her monthly blood work. This will be her first time since she has been on this new chemo. Remember…her doctor said not to expect anything. We hope that the rise in her CA125 level at least slows down, but a lower number would be a nice surprise! :) We’ll update when we get the results.
“…with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26
Saturday we just worked around the house and spent some time with friends and Sunday we spent the day at my parent’s house with my brothers and their families. It’s always nice to see the families. I can’t believe how fast the kids are growing up! I also can’t believe that my nieces can belch louder than I can! Impressive, very impressive.
Kristi goes in tomorrow for her monthly blood work. This will be her first time since she has been on this new chemo. Remember…her doctor said not to expect anything. We hope that the rise in her CA125 level at least slows down, but a lower number would be a nice surprise! :) We’ll update when we get the results.
“…with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26
Friday, November 21, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008: Weakness Brings Strength
I was reading this morning 2 Corinthians 12:10. Paul says “when I am weak, then I am strong.” How true is that?! Why do we always seem to wait until we are weak and broken to rely on God for strength? Maybe that is an internal mechanism He built within us so when He sees us straying he can get us back. Sort of like an invisible fence. We can’t see the boundary but we know it’s there. We know we shouldn’t cross it - but we do. We know we shouldn’t stray - but we do. Then…ZAP. Jesus says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” How awesome is our God?!
So a quick update on Kristi’s new chemo. Other than an occasional bout with nausea and hot flashes, so far not too bad. Of course she would rather not have to deal with it, but it is what it is. God keeps her spirits high and we seem to keep a very busy schedule – so that helps us keep a sense of normalcy.
We would like to thank everyone for all the kind words of encouragement. This has been an extremely challenging time but we realize that we are being made stronger by this temporary time of weakness. Thank you all and God bless!
So a quick update on Kristi’s new chemo. Other than an occasional bout with nausea and hot flashes, so far not too bad. Of course she would rather not have to deal with it, but it is what it is. God keeps her spirits high and we seem to keep a very busy schedule – so that helps us keep a sense of normalcy.
We would like to thank everyone for all the kind words of encouragement. This has been an extremely challenging time but we realize that we are being made stronger by this temporary time of weakness. Thank you all and God bless!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008: Kristi Needs Therapy
Well, is your cup half full or half empty? That will decide how you view this news:
Dr. Downey feels Kristi's cancer is back - but only at the microscopic level. He didn't find any masses today, but her CA125 level continues to rise so he was inclined to start Kristi on hormonal chemotherapy. We agreed. We feel it's better than just doing nothing. Much of the anticipation each month is the unknown - not knowing whether her cancer is back or not. If we just accept that it is, then we can focus on doing something about it. If we do nothing, the risk is that it will spike up in a very short time (much like it started). If it did that, then we'd be looking at a much more aggressive type of chemotherapy. I'm not defending our decision (I don't need to do that) - I'm just walking you through our rationale. So, we're going to try this for 2 months and meet with him again in January. The drug she will take every day is called Tamoxifen. It is in pill form. The side effects should be quite minimal.
Kristi will continue with her monthly CA125 blood checks so we will continue to monitor her CA125 level. Although he told us not to expect a drop after the first month, the hope is that this new chemotherapy kills the cancer cells or at least stops the growth of the cancer. We actually were quite relieved walking out of Dr. Downey's office. We definitely saw this as good news. The thought of doing nothing and just waiting didn't sit well with either of us. This way we can get through the holidays and Kristi will be able to actually enjoy Christmas this year!!
Thanks again for all the prayers.
Dr. Downey feels Kristi's cancer is back - but only at the microscopic level. He didn't find any masses today, but her CA125 level continues to rise so he was inclined to start Kristi on hormonal chemotherapy. We agreed. We feel it's better than just doing nothing. Much of the anticipation each month is the unknown - not knowing whether her cancer is back or not. If we just accept that it is, then we can focus on doing something about it. If we do nothing, the risk is that it will spike up in a very short time (much like it started). If it did that, then we'd be looking at a much more aggressive type of chemotherapy. I'm not defending our decision (I don't need to do that) - I'm just walking you through our rationale. So, we're going to try this for 2 months and meet with him again in January. The drug she will take every day is called Tamoxifen. It is in pill form. The side effects should be quite minimal.
Kristi will continue with her monthly CA125 blood checks so we will continue to monitor her CA125 level. Although he told us not to expect a drop after the first month, the hope is that this new chemotherapy kills the cancer cells or at least stops the growth of the cancer. We actually were quite relieved walking out of Dr. Downey's office. We definitely saw this as good news. The thought of doing nothing and just waiting didn't sit well with either of us. This way we can get through the holidays and Kristi will be able to actually enjoy Christmas this year!!
Thanks again for all the prayers.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008: It's Just A Number
I keep telling myself . . . it's just a number. I just wish that number would stop going up. It has gone up to 80 now (from 67). I have an appointment on Monday afternoon at 1:15 for a physical. If my doctor finds anything suspicious (lumps or spots) then I will need to begin chemo. If he doesn't find anything then we continue to monitor the level and probably run more tests. The rise in the CA125 alone is not enough to start treatment.
For now, we wait. Easier said than done. On a positive note, I feel fine and my last scan was clear. My doctor even said to me last night "don't let the number bring you down". It is so amazing how one phone call can change your plans so drastically.
The kids are handling the news pretty well. We have told them all along that the cancer could possibly return. They know that I am going to need more tests and we are being extra cautious. We are also emphasizing that God is bigger than all of this. And quite often they are the ones reminding us of that.
My parents are in Texas right now until next week Thursday. I had to give the news to my mom by phone yesterday and she handled it pretty well and promised me that she would enjoy her trip and not worry about me (I'm pretty sure she had her fingers crossed though). Please pray that they would be able to have peace and enjoy this time away.
I am feeling a bit numb. It's so hard to even imagine the possibility of returning to chemo. I try to look at the positive side though. We know that my cancer is not resistant to the first line of treatment (the first chemo I had). I am still young (okay, fairly young), I am healthy (with the exception of this stupid cancer thing) and I have walked this road before. If I would have to start chemo at least I won't have to deal with the colostomy! Or have to deal with recovering from major surgery. My port is still in so I wouldn't need surgery for that. I've had my head shaved once before and have had many people tell me that I pull off the scarf look well. There is always a silver lining in every cloud.
I just wish we didn't have to be so broken for God's light to shine so brightly. I feel like I am sliding right back into the deeper relationship with Him already. It's such a wonderful place to be. I would ask for prayers that this weekend we can forget about the cancer and just have fun together. Also that there is nothing suspicious found at my appointment on Monday.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:22
For now, we wait. Easier said than done. On a positive note, I feel fine and my last scan was clear. My doctor even said to me last night "don't let the number bring you down". It is so amazing how one phone call can change your plans so drastically.
The kids are handling the news pretty well. We have told them all along that the cancer could possibly return. They know that I am going to need more tests and we are being extra cautious. We are also emphasizing that God is bigger than all of this. And quite often they are the ones reminding us of that.
My parents are in Texas right now until next week Thursday. I had to give the news to my mom by phone yesterday and she handled it pretty well and promised me that she would enjoy her trip and not worry about me (I'm pretty sure she had her fingers crossed though). Please pray that they would be able to have peace and enjoy this time away.
I am feeling a bit numb. It's so hard to even imagine the possibility of returning to chemo. I try to look at the positive side though. We know that my cancer is not resistant to the first line of treatment (the first chemo I had). I am still young (okay, fairly young), I am healthy (with the exception of this stupid cancer thing) and I have walked this road before. If I would have to start chemo at least I won't have to deal with the colostomy! Or have to deal with recovering from major surgery. My port is still in so I wouldn't need surgery for that. I've had my head shaved once before and have had many people tell me that I pull off the scarf look well. There is always a silver lining in every cloud.
I just wish we didn't have to be so broken for God's light to shine so brightly. I feel like I am sliding right back into the deeper relationship with Him already. It's such a wonderful place to be. I would ask for prayers that this weekend we can forget about the cancer and just have fun together. Also that there is nothing suspicious found at my appointment on Monday.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:22
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008: A Tough Week
It’s hard to believe a month has already passed since Kristi’s last blood work. Time flies so quickly. These are tough weeks for our family. As much as we try not to think and worry about it, we do. Kristi is really quite tired of the routine. She was quite down at times this weekend and yesterday. Please hold Kristi up in prayer.
Also, Ashley told us last night that she is “scared the cancer is coming back”. It’s amazing how much she has grown up the past 2 years. She really understands so much more now than she did when Kristi was first diagnosed. She finally opened up over the weekend and told us something she never told us before. She told us that last summer she was “angry at God for giving you cancer”. This is a big step for Ashley to open up and talk to us – she has never done that before. We tried and tried last summer to get her to talk but she wouldn’t. Out of this entire ordeal, the toughest part to handle is the effect on the kids. Something like cancer or ALS can be a defining moment for a child’s walk with our Father. Please pray for Ashley, Nathan, Emily, Zach and Maddie as they are being forced to face difficulties that children shouldn’t have to. These next couple of years will probably have the biggest impact in their walk with God. Please pray that they understand that God is in control always and that He will lift us up and support us. It must be so hard for children to understand that.
Please pray that the recent trend in Kristi’s CA125 level stops going up. It is entirely possible for it to start to recede. We’re praying that the recent upward trend is only her body still reacting to everything it’s been through the past 2 years. But whatever the result, we know that God is in control. I read the following in my morning devotion: “The advice of Ecclesiastes may seem trite till we remember that true joy and goodness are rooted in a relationship with God. The Lord sustains us through all the contrasting events of a life that runs from birth to death.” How true that is!
Thank you!!
Also, Ashley told us last night that she is “scared the cancer is coming back”. It’s amazing how much she has grown up the past 2 years. She really understands so much more now than she did when Kristi was first diagnosed. She finally opened up over the weekend and told us something she never told us before. She told us that last summer she was “angry at God for giving you cancer”. This is a big step for Ashley to open up and talk to us – she has never done that before. We tried and tried last summer to get her to talk but she wouldn’t. Out of this entire ordeal, the toughest part to handle is the effect on the kids. Something like cancer or ALS can be a defining moment for a child’s walk with our Father. Please pray for Ashley, Nathan, Emily, Zach and Maddie as they are being forced to face difficulties that children shouldn’t have to. These next couple of years will probably have the biggest impact in their walk with God. Please pray that they understand that God is in control always and that He will lift us up and support us. It must be so hard for children to understand that.
Please pray that the recent trend in Kristi’s CA125 level stops going up. It is entirely possible for it to start to recede. We’re praying that the recent upward trend is only her body still reacting to everything it’s been through the past 2 years. But whatever the result, we know that God is in control. I read the following in my morning devotion: “The advice of Ecclesiastes may seem trite till we remember that true joy and goodness are rooted in a relationship with God. The Lord sustains us through all the contrasting events of a life that runs from birth to death.” How true that is!
Thank you!!
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