A Poem by Ashley

Cancer Sucks

Cancer is not a very good thing
It will not bring a casual bling

To get rid of cancer there is only one thing to do
Trust in God, then you won’t turn blue

My mom’s been through it one very long time
but she trusts in God and God has made up His mind
He took away her cancer
and put her back on the right line

Cancer is not a very good thing
It will not bring a casual bling
Trust in God with all your luck
And you will beat,,,,,,,,,

Cancer’s butt!!

Thursday, September 25, 2008: The Long-Awaited Phone Call

Well, the news today was a good news/bad news type of thing.  My CA125 went up to 60.   Although this isn't great news, it's not awful.  My nurse told me that until the level is doubled, which is typically 70 (and we all know I'm not your typical case) we don't jump to conclusions.  In my case, they wouldn't take the next step (more chemo) until I was around 80.

So, the plan is to have more blood work in two weeks.  I have a CT scan and chest x-ray on October 6 and then will have my blood work done on October 8.  After that we will again be "waiting for the phone call".  

I feel good about this news.   Obviously I was hoping to have my number drop but I will continue to trust that God knows what is best for me.  One day at a time (and some days one minute at a time).  Thank you for your prayers - I had a fairly peaceful morning waiting for "the call".  I am again now completely helpless and weak with this situation and can feel God's strength pulling me through.  I have missed that feeling as I have been trying to take control again of my life. 

I haven't heard from Brian's parents yet - we'll keep you posted.  Brian is exhausted - please pray for peace at work, peace with today's news (he wants so badly to be able to "fix" this problem for me) and peace with his family.  In addition to his dad being in the hospital, both his brother and his uncle are recovering from rotater cuff surgery right now.   

Wednesday, September 24, 2008: When It Rains, It Pours

My title isn't regarding the weather.  Thankfully that has been beautiful!  Today has been overwhelming for our family.  I had my blood work done which was uneventful (yea) and sometime tomorrow we will have the results.  

Tonight was the first night of GEMS.  It was so busy and overwhelming and to be honest, I had mentally written my letter of registration by 6:30 tonight.  Some miscommunications and oversights on my part had me close to tears.  As the night went on, things improved.  We have an amazing group of women helping with GEMS this year.  We had 85 girls show up tonight!  

Brian received a phone call today that his dad was scheduled to have surgery tonight to have his gall bladder removed.  He was not feeling well last night and this morning they went to the hospital.  I'm not sure of all the details as it happened so fast, but he went in for surgery this evening and everything went well.   He will hopefully be able to come home tomorrow.

All these things put together, well, let's just say we're a bit overwhelmed.  We are doing well all things considered so it's obvious prayers are already going up and being answered.   Please keep Brian's parents in your prayers.  

I will update the blog tomorrow as soon as I have my blood work results.  Please don't assume that no news is bad news.  I often have trouble connecting with nurse for these results and it's a waiting game.   It frightens me to think what a simple phone call can do to our life.  However, our future is in God's hands and there is no better place to be.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! .  Ephesians 3:20-21.

Sunday September 21, 2008: Still Here!

Well, I think we have set a record of longest time between updates!  I just checked the statistics of the blog and am amazed at the number of people checking the blog every day.  We average around 75 hits a day.  Even when we aren't faithful with updating, you are faithful checking on us.  That is so humbling and encouraging.

We have been super busy the past few weeks with the typical "getting back to routine" issues.  The conversations around here are "did you study your spelling yet? is it your library day today? don't forget your violin, do you need a cold lunch? hurry up - we're late for soccer, have you read yet today? you need to practice piano, don't forget your show & tell, and hurry up or we'll miss the bus!"  Just your typical house trying to keep up with three children's different schedules.  We're getting the hang of it though.

Up until a few days ago we were doing pretty well.  I've been super busy with GEMS which kept my mind occupied.  Now that things are slowing down a bit with GEMS my mind has had time to wander - which is never a good thing.  Plus, we are getting closer to my next blood draw.  Combine that with the restructuring at JCI and, well, let's just say it's past time for us to update the blog and share our prayer requests with you.

I will be going this Wednesday for my lab work.  As you already know, my number is slowly creeping up and was last at 53.  The optimistic part of us is saying that the cancer is gone and will not return.  Our realistic part tells us we need to be aware of potential outcomes from this next lab work.  Should my level continue to rise, I will more than likely need to have my ct scan done sooner (currently scheduled for October 6) and meet with my oncologist sooner (right now isn't until November).  The positive side of the possibility of needing to have more chemo is that I am not resistant to the first line of treatment which was the first chemo that I received.  Some people's bodies become resistant to that chemo treatment.  

This Wednesday I will be going to Teusink's Farm with Emily and her preschool class and then heading to the lab after that (with Emily and my Mom along for moral support).  That night we have our first night of GEMS which is always "controlled chaos".  That will be a good thing though for keeping my mind busy.  I will call the doctor Thursday morning for results after I drop Emily off at preschool.  I will post them as soon as I hear.  Sometimes I don't connect with my nurse right away and have to wait to find out the results.  I'm sure it will be an anxious morning.  

Please pray specifically for my CA125 level to be low and for Brian's job.  Please also include Brian's coworkers as this is a very stressful time at his work.  Thank you!

Thursday, August 28, 2008: CA125 Results

We got Kristi’s CA125 results today and it’s up to 53. What does that mean? Nothing. Her nurse didn’t seem overly concerned about it and just said “we’ll check it again in a month”. The million dollar question is – what is Kristi’s normal? She can go the rest of her life and if it just bounces around in the 40’s and 50’s that’s fine. If it continues an upward trend however, then that would be a cause for concern. Well, it’s cause for concern now, but not enough to warrant any action. Any more upward movement and that will probably mean some sort of chemo regiment again. But we’ll wait for next month before we start talking about any of that. Next month it could come in at 49, or 51, or 42. At this point we’re just trying to figure out what “normal” is. So if you could keep her in your prayers over the next month that would be great. Thanks!

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you" Psalm 55:22a

Tuesday, August 26, 2008: My Colorado Video

First of all, we're all doing great!! We were camping this past weekend at Ludington State Park with friends. We had a great time!! Kristi goes for her monthly CA125 check tomorrow. We'll post the results as soon as we get them. Here is the video of my trip to southwest Colorado. Like I said, I took over 600 pictures so it was hard to narrow it down. The video I made ended up being 16 minutes but I had to chop it down to 8 to fit it on YouTube. So here is the chopped up version...

Tuesday, August 19, 2008: Colorado Pics

After Kristi got home from North Carolina, I was lucky enough to spend a week in Colorado with 3 friends. It was an amazing week. The first day there we drove right to the top of a 12,400 foot mountain and pitched our tents. It was incredible!! I took over 600 pictures during the week...here are just a few of my favorites. Of course I have a video done, I've just been too busy and haven't had time to put it on You Tube yet...maybe by the end of the week...

Sunday, August 17, 2008: We're Still Here!

I can't believe it has been two weeks since we've updated! To be honest, I haven't even been thinking about cancer! Right now I'm completely focused on GEMS and back to school stuff. I apologize to those of you that have been wondering what has been going on.

Last week Monday I had my three month check-up. There was nothing new to report which is good! I have to have a ct scan in October which is just routine. Then I meet with my oncologist again in November. Pretty soon these appointments will just move further and further apart. I do still have monthly blood work for the CA125 level. I believe my next one isn't until the 27th. My doctor said that "you know there is a good chance that the cancer will return". My reply back was "I also know there is a that it won't come back". I refuse to believe it will come back. To me his comment was simply a reminder to me of the miracle God did by healing me and continues to do by keeping the cancer away. I'm a walking miracle.

We will probably not be updating near as much as we used to. This seems strange and a bit sad to me. This blog has been a lifeline to us for so long. We're not going anywhere though! We'll update when I have appointments and blood work and prayer requests. There are days when I feel like God is prompting me to share something through the blog and I will do that as well.

So until our next update . . . thanks as always to our mighty prayer warriors!

Sunday, August 3, 2008: Finally, an update!

It seems like I always start my update with this phrase but really, where does the time go? I made it home from the conference safe and sound last week Monday night. I had intentions to update the blog much sooner than this. Sorry to those of you who were wondering if we just dropped off the face of the earth.

Attending the GEMS conference was probably one of the best decisions I have made in my life. I don't even know where to start. I was convicted in so many areas - as a wife, as a mom, as a GEMS club coordinator and as a child of God. Every class I went to and every speaker I heard seemed to have something that went straight to my heart. Initially the conviction was painful.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11.

I was often moved to the point of tears from these convictions but immediately after felt a peace as if God was saying "it's okay, you messed up but that was in the past . . . let's move forward from here and this is what I want you to do".

I feel better equipped as a wife and mom and have gained a lot of confidence in myself. I have moved even closer to God through this experience.

On another note, I had my CA125 level tested last week (yes, I went in and forgot to update the blog . . . sorry!!!). I am at 47 now (I was at 44). This is still considered stable.

Thank you as always for your prayers! I don't have any specific requests right now - I would just ask that you pray where you feel God is leading you to pray. Thank you!!

Monday, July 28, 2008: Mommy's Coming Home!

I’ve become quite delinquent at updating the blog! Kristi has sort of taken over ownership of the blog since the beginning of the year (which I have to admit, I haven’t minded). Life has been really good this year which we are extremely thankful for. This past weekend Kristi went to North Carolina with a friend to attend a GEMS conference with hundreds of other women. They left Thursday morning and come back tonight. She’s been having a really good time…she says she’s a “changed woman” because of the convention. Wow, I thought she was pretty good before she left – can’t wait to “meet” this new woman!! The kids (and I) can't wait to see her tonight!! Anyway, just thought I would give a quick update and let you know what we’ve been up to and I wanted to share this good news. So for once I’m asking you to pray a prayer of thanksgiving for good health and good times! God is good in good times and bad!

Here are some pictures of this weekend…

Here's Emily Thursday night downtown Holland (where Uncle Kevin performed)

Sunday morning ready for church (and early)!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008: Update

I'm updating today as Kristi is rushing out the door to VBS. She heard from her nurse this morning. Her nurse said "keep an eye on it, go to North Carolina and have a good time, stop looking at the internet and stop pushing on the spot!" We go in for our 3 month check up in August. If it's still there then Dr. Downey will check it out. Until then, we go on enjoying the summer. Thanks for the prayers.

Please pray for Kristi this week as she leaves for North Carolina to attend a GEMS conference with a friend. They are driving down Thursday. Pray for safety and that Kristi can enjoy this time away with her friend.

Thanks everyone!

Monday, July 21, 2008: Still Waiting

I am still waiting for my nurse to return my call. Monday's are super busy in their office so she probably won't get a chance to call until the end of the day. My spot has gotten a bit bigger but it has also gotten lighter.

I apologize to those of you that are anxiously waiting. We debated putting it on the blog but decided we needed the prayer support. I'm glad we posted it because I can feel the prayers already. I am much more content today. This is just a reminder to me that instead of saying "oh no, not another Monday" I should be saying "thank you God for another day!"

I'll update when I hear more - thanks for the prayers!

Sunday, July 20, 2008: One Year Later

We had a great weekend just hanging around home. Friday night we had friends over and last night we went on a triple date with Kristi's sister and brother and their spouses. We did the same thing last year and we took this picture of us in Grand Haven.

Lori, Eric, me, Kristi, Stephanie & Kevin - June 2007

Last night we went out for dinner at the Blue Water Grill in Grand Rapids (that's where the picture below is taken). After dinner we went out for coffee and dessert. Sadly enough, we were all yawning by 9:00. We did manage to stay out til 10:00 enjoying some good stories.

Eric, Lori, Kevin, Stephanie, me & Kristi - July 2008

I wish I could end this update here on a happy note, but we have a concern we want to pass along. We are hesitant to even type this because it will make it all the more "real" and we don't want to panic everyone. But, Friday morning Kristi found a red spot on her breast. It looked like a bug bite and initially only caused a little concern. When it was still there the next day she did some research on the internet. This spot could be a symptom of inflammatory breast cancer. I know many of you are thinking "don't search the internet!" which I agree with. But, she did and we hope we are worried about nothing. However, this type of cancer is the fastest growing and most aggressive type of breast cancer out there. We really hope this is nothing more than a bug bite, but if it would be inflammatory breast cancer, the quicker it is discovered the better the outcome. Kristi will be calling her doctor on Monday and will keep everyone updated.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6

Tuesday, July 8, 2008: The Fog Has Lifted

Thank you for your prayers and comments. This afternoon I actually saw a break in the clouds. I feel mentally lighter. I did get out this afternoon to do something for someone else. I am sure that helped. When I am with other people I am usually feeling good. I really love my "me" time though which is hard. When I am alone is when the down times usually come. I also love sleeping and napping! I am joining Curves which I think will help greatly - the program requires that you come at least three times a week. Since I can't seem to hold myself accountable to exercising I need a program to do it for me.

Also, Brian said he felt a little bit better today - yea! We are so thankful for your prayers and support.

One of the comments that was left suggested making a list of the people that helped us out last year. Although I love the idea, I don't think there is a piece of paper big enough to make that list! Our church, family, friends and complete strangers blessed us beyond words last year. There is no way we could ever repay all you have done for us. "Thank you" just doesn't seem enough. I do plan on "paying it forward". I remember last year saying that I couldn't wait to be the person helping out someone else again. Well, my time is here. Wow, thinking back again at all that you have done for us is compelling me to get out there and give back.

Monday, July 7, 2008: Blah

Tonight I am asking for prayers for my depression. At my appointment with my psychologist I was feeling great. Days after that and for the past week or so I have been in a pit again. I do have another appointment scheduled. I am so tired of being in this depression. I feel so alone and isolated and worthless. For those of you who deal with depression, you understand. For those of you who don't, there is really no way for me to make you understand.

I am reading an excellent book right now called Seeing In The Dark by Gary Kinnaman and Richard Jacobs, MD. If you deal with depression, I would highly recommend reading it. Also, if someone you care about is depressed I would recommend reading it for insight into what depression is all about. It is written by a Pastor and an MD. I have learned a lot from this book and yet have so much more to learn.

The one thing I do know is that I am so tired of this. I have been healed of cancer . . . I should be shouting from the rooftops what God did for me. I should be on fire for Him. I want to be. I am asking for prayers that I will find the right medication and dose to correct my chemical imbalance (it's a work in progress right now). Pray that I will seek God first thing when I wake up in the morning and all throughout the day. When I am down it is hard to even open my bible. Also, that if spiritual warfare is involved that I will understand that and know how to deal with it. I also ask for prayers for everyone that I deal with. My immediate family sees me trying to be connected to them and yet I still feel so distant. It's hard for Brian to understand my depression and it's very difficult for me to explain.

Speaking of Brian, he is having trouble sleeping at night. He is trying a new medication that his sleep doctor prescribed that will eventually (hopefully) help him with his fatigue. Right now though one of the side effects is trouble sleeping at night. How ironic. Please pray that he will make his way soon through this side effect and get to the point of feeling more energetic.

He is eating healthy food (he even journals everything he eats!), exercising every day and I have to say, looking really, really good :) Right now I am "hiding" in our bedroom. I snuck up here to do some reading and he busted me. Then he told me that I should stay in here and he would put the kids to bed for me tonight. This was already at 8:00 this evening. He is so good to me.

Thank you for reading through my rambling postings. It it hard to put this all out there because there is such a stigma with depression. I have had many people email and call me to share that they too suffer from depression. It is a real disease and hopefully by speaking out I can encourage someone who is suffering in silence to know that it is okay to talk about it. It is important to talk about it. It is hard though. But . . . . I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength! (Philippians 4:13).

Thursday, June 3, 2008: Still Stable

I went for blood work and had my CA125 testing done yesterday. The results came back at 44 (it was previously 42) which means . . . I'm still stable! I have to admit deep down I am still hoping to hit that "magic 35" but I am thrilled that I am stable. I can't believe life has been so busy that I forgot to post that I was going in for my monthly lab work. It has been good though - lots of playing and visiting with family and friends! Speaking of which, time to get back to playing with the kids now! Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday weekend!

Thursday, June 26, 2008: Lost . . . and Found

I know last week I mentioned that we were struggling with depression. Well, earlier this week I fell into the "pit". I guess you have to hit the bottom before you can climb up again. I had been keeping a lot in and you can only bottle up so much before it overflows. The tears came and came and finally ended. Brian found me in my pity party and helped me out of it. I just needed to spill my guts.

I have been feeling worthless lately. I felt like cancer made me "special" and now that the cancer is gone I am no longer special. I know, I know, I'm wrong. And I in no way want cancer back to feel special. I have been wanting to be normal again for so long that now that we are, I'm not sure what to do with it.

I made an appointment with my psychiatrist and am going to see her tonight. I am actually feeling a lot better but I still need to talk to her to learn how to better handle it next time the depression comes my way. I have had depression for many years and I'm sure I will have it the rest of my life. I just need to learn how to better deal with it.

The title of this update is "lost . . . and found". It hit me earlier. I was feeling lost and alone and today I feel found. The reason for this is because of a devotion I read this morning. The verse is Luke 22:32 But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." It says in the devotion . . . after the clouds clear and we have withstood the storm, we must "turn back and strengthen our brothers."

This gives me new purpose. I can't just go on like normal. I need to turn back and help other women who are struggling with cancer. I need to encourage them by sharing how my faith got me through and how God healed me. I also need to encourage other women who deal with depression.

While I went through depression years ago I wrote a lot of poems. The words just flowed through the pen. This was something special that God did through me. I haven't showed them to a lot of people. I did think of trying to publish them but never did. I didn't think my poems were good enough. They aren't my poems though. They are God's work. And I have been hiding it.

I am reading a book called "for the Write Reason". It has been very encouraging to me and I think will help me to get the poems out there and also help Brian and I with the book we want to write about our journey through cancer.

Wow, speaking of writing books, I think I just did! Thank you for reading and sticking by us. I am always amazed and the number of people that check our blog. I think "now that the cancer is gone, why do they still want to hear about our life?" But you're not just checking on our lives, you're seeing God's work shining through us.

Thank you to our faithful readers and prayer warriors. We are still working on an open house date but life is so busy these days that it has been put on the back burner. We will have it though because we want to say thank you to all of you who have supported us and to praise God for all He has done for us!

Saturday, June 21, 2008: Hello from Lake Leelanau

We are camping near Traverse City with Brian's parents this weekend. So far we are enjoying beautiful weather but it looks like a storm is on its way.

It was a busy week but we are relaxing now. It doesn't really seem like camping when we have wireless and cable tv. That's not how we camped when I was a kid. The kids are loving it and we are all relaxed and having a great time.

Just wanted to check in and let everyone know that we are doing good. Thank you for your prayers and comments and e-mails. We have so many encouraging friends.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008: A Quick Update

Wow, I can't believe I haven't updated the blog since last week Friday! Life is so busy here. The Relay for Life was very neat. Even though it rained a lot there was still a ton of enthusiasm. I didn't get as many miles in as I had hoped but I am so glad that I went. I am working on getting the pictures posted. My dad was nice enough to lend me his camera since Brian had ours and I forgot to download the pictures before I returned it to him. I'll get them up soon.

I do have some prayer requests for our family. I think both Brian and I are going through a bit of a depression. I don't understand why I am feeling so down when the cancer is gone. I remember thinking just a year ago that when the cancer was gone and chemo was done I would be so happy and relieved. I have struggled with depression before and recognize the symptoms. I also can tell that the devil is getting his jabs in. I want to continue sharing how my faith got me through this battle and yet some days I just want to hide from everything cancer related. I don't think God wants me to dig a hole and hide though - that would put my flame out.

Brian recently saw a show on tv that talked about statistics on cancer returning. He was quite down after that. He seemed a bit happier today but I can tell he is still struggling. He is still extremely tired too. He even left the fathers day party early so he could go home and take a nap. If you know Brian, he hates taking naps. I know he must have been tired to leave so early.

Well, I titled this update "a quick update" and now I've rambled on and on. Sorry. Just needed to spill my guts. I've been keeping a lot inside lately. A friend called me yesterday and after an innocent "how are you" on her part I gave her an earful. I don't know why it all spilled out - I guess God knew I needed to let it go. I did feel better after I talked.

Thank you for your prayers. I know shortly after posting this the prayers will start and joy will come in the morning.

Friday, June 13, 2008: Relay Day

Thank you again to those of you who donated! There are so many good causes out there and it is overwhelming trying to decide who and what you want to sponsor. Over the past year we have been one of the "causes" that many of you have donated to thanks to the many fundraisers that were held on our behalf. I can't possibly explain what a huge relief it was being able to pay our medical bills without having to take on any extra debt. God worked miracles through all of you by taking care of that burden for us. Thank you just doesn't seem enough.

I am anxious to see what the Relay for Life is all about. I have read about it and checked out the web site but I think I have to experience it before I really "get" it. We're heading out soon and hoping that this beautiful weather stays all night!

Thank you again for your donations, support and prayers. I will update the blog over the weekend hopefully with some pictures of the event.