I'm starting to notice a pattern in my life . . . . wake up, survive the day, go to bed, repeat. Something's missing. God is missing. And it isn't because He's moved . . . I have.
I've been praying for a couple months now about my relationship with God. It seems like with all we have been through I should have a very close connection with Him. When there isn't a crisis to deal with I tend to pull away - even from reading the bible, doing devotions and simply listening to God.
When I am in crisis I connect with Him again but it seems to be more of a one sided connection. It's me asking why, how, and "really"? It's also me begging for peace, comfort and direction but then not listening for the answer.
I think I have found the source of my troubles. I don't want to become too close to God because then it may become very clear what His plans for me are and I don't want to know them. I don't want to get out of my comfort zone and try something new that He may be asking of me. What if He wants me to speak publicly again or worse . . . . one on one with people that I don't know. I feel safe typing my feelings on the blog because I can edit it before I publish it. Plus there isn't anyone looking at me right now. In person I tend to either talk too much out of nervousness or clam up out of fear that I may say something stupid.
I was trying to find a Psalm the other day and I came across Psalm 30:11-12 . . . You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. Oh Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever. I wanted to close the bible at that point and forget that I had even read that. Dancing? Me? No thanks, I'd rather be wailing. Being clothed with joy sounds great but only if I can quietly enjoy that peace at home while being silent.
I've been watching my sister over the past couple months. Growing up she had the nickname "happy mouth". It suited her perfectly and it still does. No matter what life throws her way she sings praises to God. Literally singing . . . and dancing! I was sitting next to her at a Mercy Me concert once and had to laugh at the contrast. She was standing up, dancing and singing every chance she could get . . . . I was sitting, listening to the music and perfectly content. I even tapped my foot to the beat once in a while . . . I know, I'm such a rebel.
I've always wished I was more like her though. I wish I had the courage to sing, dance and praise God so openly. I wish I could just be "me" and not even consider what others are thinking about me. I have the desire to dance locked somewhere deep in my heart. I love music and when I'm home with the kids I have been known to break into dance but the look of horror in their eyes usually makes me stop :)
I sent a link to my sister recently with the song I Wanna Be Like You from The Jungle Book. Here are some of the lyrics:
You -oh oh
I wanna be like you - oh oh
I wanna walk like you
Talk like you, too
You'll see it's true
Someone like me
Can learn to be
Like someone like you
I know I goofed up some of the lyrics but these are the words that kept going through my head. I wanted Lori to know how much I admired her and wanted to be more like her. I was focused on the first part of the song - of wanting to be like her. After I sent it I heard the second part . . . you'll see it's true - someone like me - can learn to be like someone like you. Huh. I can?
I know God doesn't want me to be just like her but I can learn from her. I can have that same courage to just be "me" if I could just trust God when He asks me to do something that is out of my comfort zone instead of putting my fingers in my ears and saying "I can't hear you".
So, a couple days ago I prayed for that. I prayed another "mess with me" prayer. You think I would have learned my lesson the first time . . . be careful what you pray for! I'm so tired of just going through the motions.
This might hurt, it’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change.
I don’t care, if I break
At least I’ll be feeling something.
‘Cause just ok is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions
(lyrics are from ~ Going Through the Motions by Matthew West)
Well, I guess I will end this post here and go hang on tight . . . . I know first hand the power of a "mess with me" prayer!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010: Blown Away!
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Wondering why this video is significant? Well, Friday night when this storm hit Detroit, we just happened to be at Comerica Park. Yup, the company I work for had our annual employee night at Comerica Park. When we left our hotel to head for the ballpark the sky was nothing but blue. It was a perfect night for a baseball game. I have to admit, the game was a little long and boring...and I'm even a Tiger fan! But a lot of walks and pitching changes makes for a long game.
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Fortunately though, with today's modern technology the people next to us were tracking this storm as it moved closer to Detroit. Those people bailed when the storm was about 40 minutes away. When the storm was about 30 minutes away a guy from work who was sitting next to me decided his family was going to leave. The memories of running out of the Magic Kingdom in the pouring rain was still fresh in our memories so we decided to bail shortly after.
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So we headed out to the van. Problem is I forgot where we parked...as did the rest of the family. Everything looked completely different in the dark. We wandered and wander for about 20 minutes in the dark...passing many homeless people and dark alleys. Then all of a sudden it hit. You could hear the storm brewing. The wind noise was unbelievable. Then like a wall WHAM. A wall of wind about knocked us over. I'm not exaggerating when I say it nearly knocked Ashley to the ground. She was hanging on to Kristi with all her might. I scooped up Emily and held her head into my chest. It felt like we were getting sand blasted. The sand and dirt just pelted our skin and eyes. Then the rain started...and not just a light sprinkle. It was like a monsoon...the rain was blowing every which way. I can honestly say I have never experienced anything like that before. So here we are...the 5 of us. Completely lost in Downtown Detroit. Dark, pouring rain and unbelievable wind. At one point I was holding Emily standing in the middle of a desolate intersection and I looked up at the sky and yelled "UNCLE". I was mad at God. Another family memory ending like this. Unbelievable. We walked around trying to find somewhere we could take shelter. Then after about 20 minutes of wandering we stumbled across our van. Of course we were all soaked and tired. Considering the situation all the kids did great. I have to admit, I was freaked out for a while. I have never felt so lost. I just didn't know what to do. I couldn't believe I got my family into this.
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Now we look back and we can laugh (OK, maybe not laugh). What an adventure! Then I got to thinking. If this was just an ordinary Tiger game and uneventful ride home, the kids would hardly remember this night 20 years from now. But, now I can guarantee that they will remember this night for the rest of their lives...the night Dad got us lost in Detroit. We could make a movie out of it..."Lost In Detroit". Yeah, that's it! Of course every time I tell the story it gets bigger and bigger. The last person I told I was dodging falling buildings. OK, so maybe not that bad but I don't really care to do it again!
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As far as the game...well, the Tigers won 7-5 and are only a game and a half out of first place. The kids are still 50-50 if they ever want to go back to a Tiger game. I remember Nathan crying in the back of the van on our way back to the hotel "I hate Detroit!". If you ask Emily she says "it was the worst day of my life". Oh well, life's an adventure.
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Update on Kristi: still a lot of lower back pain and abdominal pains. The effects of the chemo are also starting to accumulate...same as last round. Her fatigue and nausea come and go more frequently as she gets further into this round. Please pray for strength for another 2 weeks of this round.
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Beautiful night for baseball!
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Carlos Guillen checking out this lady's brown GUCCI luxury handbag
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Tigers scoring runs
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010: More Good News
Last week I got the Palomino out of storage and prepped for its 33rd season. And like the previous 32 seasons, the Palomino did not disappoint us with its first trip of this new camping season. After 33 years the Palomino keeps on going...and I have slept in the Palomino at least one night of each of those 33 years!
look at that thing...a beauty indeed!
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This past weekend we went camping at Van Buren State Park in South Haven with our life group...4 other families.
look at that thing...a beauty indeed!
she's a beauty too!!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010: Going Down . . .
Usually when I say I am "going down" it means I am sliding into a depression. In this case though, going down is good! Although my CA125 didn't go down much ~ it did go down! It was 630 last time and it is now 598.
I also had a physical exam today and Dr. Downey could not feel the lump that he felt two months ago! I don't think he expected me to respond so well to this treatment ~ he almost didn't seem quite sure what to do with himself. I asked him if he was finally ready to believe me that I am going to kick this cancer and his response was "well, it sure is taking you long enough". I responded that this has just been so much fun that I'm not ready for it to end yet. Although he can typically be quite down I sure do love messing with his mind :)
My other blood counts are down but they are not dangerously low. The plan is to start the Etoposide up again on Sunday night (it's a daily pill for 20 days) and go back in again after that for more bloodwork and meet with him again in a month.
Right now though . . . we celebrate!!! Can I get a woooohooooo????!!!!!!!
I also had a physical exam today and Dr. Downey could not feel the lump that he felt two months ago! I don't think he expected me to respond so well to this treatment ~ he almost didn't seem quite sure what to do with himself. I asked him if he was finally ready to believe me that I am going to kick this cancer and his response was "well, it sure is taking you long enough". I responded that this has just been so much fun that I'm not ready for it to end yet. Although he can typically be quite down I sure do love messing with his mind :)
My other blood counts are down but they are not dangerously low. The plan is to start the Etoposide up again on Sunday night (it's a daily pill for 20 days) and go back in again after that for more bloodwork and meet with him again in a month.
Right now though . . . we celebrate!!! Can I get a woooohooooo????!!!!!!!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Still Waiting . . . . . . .
I've been playing phone tag with the doctors office . . . . I'm sure we won't hear anything tonight. We have an appointment tomorrow morning at 9:30. For now, we wait.
The theme from Jeopardy quite often jumps into my head while I'm waiting . . . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8E10S7lbAPw&feature=related
(In case the link doesn't work . . . it's the Jeopardy theme song being played on the FAO Schwartz Foot Piano . . . . very cool!)
The theme from Jeopardy quite often jumps into my head while I'm waiting . . . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8E10S7lbAPw&feature=related
(In case the link doesn't work . . . it's the Jeopardy theme song being played on the FAO Schwartz Foot Piano . . . . very cool!)
Wednesday, June 9, 2010: Reality
I am still waiting for the call. You would think after almost 3 1/2 years of this I would get used to the waiting. Nope.
I brought the kids to school this morning for the last time this school year. I am very excited about not having to set my alarm clock anymore. I am not excited about the "I'm bored" and sibling rivalry that will soon be taking place.
Our youngest believes that she is in charge and that we shouldn't even be considering the possibility that she isn't. She has one volume . . . loud. She also believes that it is her job to torment her brother and sister.
Our middle child is a boy. He has an older sister and a younger sister. Only one boy and stuck between two sisters? Life is sooooooo not fair.
Our oldest child is dangerously close to becoming a teenager. Enough said.
Put the three together and let's just say that it my hair wasn't already falling out from the chemo treatment it would be turning completely gray.
I have muscle aches all over and I can hardly keep my eyes open from the fatigue. I can't wait for the phone to ring and yet I'm dreading it at the same time. Even worse, I'm dreading having to make phone calls to let friends and family know what the new number is. I'm already assuming that it has gone up - that way if it didn't go up it will be an unexpected blessing.
Being in Florida was such a wonderful escape from reality. We were able to just leave cancer at home and simply just "be". When we came home though reality didn't just knock on the door, it came barreling through and knocked me right between the eyes. If I had the energy I would love to punch reality right back and sending it flying. Right now though I'm so tired all I want to do is go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. But, the phone will still ring, the kids will still need to be picked up soon and the camper isn't going to pack itself.
I read something the other day that really made me think. It was something that Joni Eareckson Tada wrote (for those of you that aren't familiar with her - she is in a wheelchair paralyzed from the neck down because of a diving accident many years ago). She wrote "I would rather be in this chair knowing Him than on my feet without Him".
Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. Psalm 84:10 (NIV)
One day spent in your house, this beautiful place of worship, beats thousands spent on Greek island beaches. I'd rather scrub floors in the house of my God than be honored as a guest in the palace of sin. Psalm 84:10-12 (The Message)
I brought the kids to school this morning for the last time this school year. I am very excited about not having to set my alarm clock anymore. I am not excited about the "I'm bored" and sibling rivalry that will soon be taking place.
Our youngest believes that she is in charge and that we shouldn't even be considering the possibility that she isn't. She has one volume . . . loud. She also believes that it is her job to torment her brother and sister.
Our middle child is a boy. He has an older sister and a younger sister. Only one boy and stuck between two sisters? Life is sooooooo not fair.
Our oldest child is dangerously close to becoming a teenager. Enough said.
Put the three together and let's just say that it my hair wasn't already falling out from the chemo treatment it would be turning completely gray.
I have muscle aches all over and I can hardly keep my eyes open from the fatigue. I can't wait for the phone to ring and yet I'm dreading it at the same time. Even worse, I'm dreading having to make phone calls to let friends and family know what the new number is. I'm already assuming that it has gone up - that way if it didn't go up it will be an unexpected blessing.
Being in Florida was such a wonderful escape from reality. We were able to just leave cancer at home and simply just "be". When we came home though reality didn't just knock on the door, it came barreling through and knocked me right between the eyes. If I had the energy I would love to punch reality right back and sending it flying. Right now though I'm so tired all I want to do is go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. But, the phone will still ring, the kids will still need to be picked up soon and the camper isn't going to pack itself.
I read something the other day that really made me think. It was something that Joni Eareckson Tada wrote (for those of you that aren't familiar with her - she is in a wheelchair paralyzed from the neck down because of a diving accident many years ago). She wrote "I would rather be in this chair knowing Him than on my feet without Him".
Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. Psalm 84:10 (NIV)
One day spent in your house, this beautiful place of worship, beats thousands spent on Greek island beaches. I'd rather scrub floors in the house of my God than be honored as a guest in the palace of sin. Psalm 84:10-12 (The Message)
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010: No News
We didn't hear from Kristi's doctor today like we thought we would. They're not always the best at getting back with us. We should hear tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010: Disney
Sorry bloggers, we updated our Facebook page but forgot the blog...so hard managing both Facebook and the blog. :)
Anyway, we had a great time at Disney. Here are just a few pictures from our trip...between Lori and I we took about 400 pictures so it was hard to pick just a few.
Anyway, we had a great time at Disney. Here are just a few pictures from our trip...between Lori and I we took about 400 pictures so it was hard to pick just a few.
After the pictures I have an update and prayer request...
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Arriving in Orlando!
Hangin' out at Lori's time-share (Lori's the undercover one)
Emily being silly...
aweeeeee
what a nice looking family :)
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Then back to reality. Kristi had bloodwork done yesterday. Today we expect to get the results of her new CA125 number. Thursday we meet with Dr. Downey to determine what he wants to do next. Please pray for comfort during these next few unnerving days.
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Then back to reality. Kristi had bloodwork done yesterday. Today we expect to get the results of her new CA125 number. Thursday we meet with Dr. Downey to determine what he wants to do next. Please pray for comfort during these next few unnerving days.
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Also pray for Kristi's sanity. The kids' last day of school is tomorrow and we have plans to go camping this weekend. Also, on a more personal level, her hair is falling out at a faster pace. This was expected with the new chemotherapy. We're not exactly sure if it's all going to fall out like Dr. Downey said, but it is definitely very thin and emotional for Kristi.
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Thanks for the continued prayers. We'll update the blog when we have the new number...and more time!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010: Relay for Life
It's Relay time again! Here's the link to my page . . .
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY10GL?px=6644185&pg=personal&fr_id=21478
If I were more "techy" I could change the name of that link to make it look nicer but I'm not so I didn't :)
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY10GL?px=6644185&pg=personal&fr_id=21478
If I were more "techy" I could change the name of that link to make it look nicer but I'm not so I didn't :)
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010: We're Going to Disney World!
Last week Thursday I got a call from Disney World to inform me that our application for the Disney Compassion Partnership Program had been accepted!! The compassion program is part of the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Basically, Dr. Downey wrote a letter to support us and Disney World accepted! We will get 5 three day 'speed' passes when we get there. The speed passes allow us to go up to the front of the lines so we won't have to wait in any long lines.
We are going with Kristi's sister Lori and her 2 kids. This will be a nice break for all of us...8 days, 7 nights with no worries. It will be just us having a good time together! We are going to be staying at Lori's time share villa. We leave this Thursday and return next Thursday.
All the pieces fell right into place. Kristi and Lori were able to get some really cheap airline tickets (non-stop from GR!!), rental vehicles and the extra room at the time share all booked on line. For those of you that don't know Kristi's sister...she is a pro at getting great deals!!
Everything is now booked and we are geeked about going!! This will be my family's first time to Disney World. Kristi was there as a child and I was to Disney Land but neither of us really remember much of it. After all, that was a really really long time ago. The other piece that fell into place for us was our house sitter (well, and 2 dogs and a cat). Kristi's cousin Justin will be watching our house while we are gone.
Of course Kristi and Lori will be getting their much necessary pedicure on Tuesday in preparation for the trip. For some reason they don't think that Zach and I should get tats for our version of a pedicure. Just doesn't seem fair. Oh well.
We are going with Kristi's sister Lori and her 2 kids. This will be a nice break for all of us...8 days, 7 nights with no worries. It will be just us having a good time together! We are going to be staying at Lori's time share villa. We leave this Thursday and return next Thursday.
All the pieces fell right into place. Kristi and Lori were able to get some really cheap airline tickets (non-stop from GR!!), rental vehicles and the extra room at the time share all booked on line. For those of you that don't know Kristi's sister...she is a pro at getting great deals!!
Everything is now booked and we are geeked about going!! This will be my family's first time to Disney World. Kristi was there as a child and I was to Disney Land but neither of us really remember much of it. After all, that was a really really long time ago. The other piece that fell into place for us was our house sitter (well, and 2 dogs and a cat). Kristi's cousin Justin will be watching our house while we are gone.
Of course Kristi and Lori will be getting their much necessary pedicure on Tuesday in preparation for the trip. For some reason they don't think that Zach and I should get tats for our version of a pedicure. Just doesn't seem fair. Oh well.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010: V
Have you seen the new TV series "V"? Kristi and I are hooked on it. Hey, something has to replace Lost! Can you believe Lost is done?! Anyway, speaking of alien babies being born on the mother ship, Kristi and I both watched V when it was on TV the first time, back when dirt was still fairly new. In fact, when we were on our 5 year anniversary trip in Gatlinburg, TN, we rented the entire series from a video store and watched it every night. So this is very nostalgic for us. Of course we can't watch it during the week so we DVR it and usually end up watching it on Friday night...like tonight.
But for some strange reason tonight was different. I'm not sure why, but at some point through the show my eyes welled up and I almost started sobbing. Good thing we had 2 dogs sitting between us and it was a rather intense scene so Kristi couldn't see me. Why did I tear up as the FBI was raiding a V conspirator's apartment? Well, it had nothing to do with the show. For some reason I started thinking to myself that in 6 months, a year, 2 years, sooner than in the time I want anyway I won't be able to watch these silly shows with Kristi anymore. I will be sitting alone on the couch with the dogs. We were supposed to grow old together. Retire and live in a farm house with a wrap around fence. Who will I laugh with? Who will I have to laugh at my silly jokes? It feels so lonely. That's where my mind was going. That's what brought on the welling eyes.
Then I came to grips and asked myself "what good is this doing me? why ruin a perfectly good night? just Kristi and I (well, and the dogs), quiet night watching our 2nd favorite show". What good comes in worrying about tomorrow's problems today?
So, we finished watching V. Kristi just went up to bed and I told her I'll be up shortly. Just another night in our house.
Good night.
But for some strange reason tonight was different. I'm not sure why, but at some point through the show my eyes welled up and I almost started sobbing. Good thing we had 2 dogs sitting between us and it was a rather intense scene so Kristi couldn't see me. Why did I tear up as the FBI was raiding a V conspirator's apartment? Well, it had nothing to do with the show. For some reason I started thinking to myself that in 6 months, a year, 2 years, sooner than in the time I want anyway I won't be able to watch these silly shows with Kristi anymore. I will be sitting alone on the couch with the dogs. We were supposed to grow old together. Retire and live in a farm house with a wrap around fence. Who will I laugh with? Who will I have to laugh at my silly jokes? It feels so lonely. That's where my mind was going. That's what brought on the welling eyes.
Then I came to grips and asked myself "what good is this doing me? why ruin a perfectly good night? just Kristi and I (well, and the dogs), quiet night watching our 2nd favorite show". What good comes in worrying about tomorrow's problems today?
So, we finished watching V. Kristi just went up to bed and I told her I'll be up shortly. Just another night in our house.
Good night.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010: A Quiet Day
Today we had the quietest day in a very long time around here! It was very nice and very much needed. Kristi's sister Lori came and took our kids out to the beach and climbed the sand dunes while Kristi and I stayed home and rested. Then Lori and the kids came back to our house and hung out for a while. The kids play so good together! It was very nice to just sit and visit.
We have a very quiet week planned for this week as well. That is good because the fatigue and nausea is really catching up with Kristi the longer she is on this pill. My hives are pretty much gone. The only possible cause we can think of for my outbreak was a different milk we tried. That's the only thing that changed. Last week I bought milk at a store we have never bought milk from before and it was a brand we have never before drank. So, that's what we're hanging our hats on. Milk. Got milk? no thanks!
Thanks for all the prayers and comments over the past few days. Satan tried, didn't he?! But all of us forced him out again! Nice work!!
We have a very quiet week planned for this week as well. That is good because the fatigue and nausea is really catching up with Kristi the longer she is on this pill. My hives are pretty much gone. The only possible cause we can think of for my outbreak was a different milk we tried. That's the only thing that changed. Last week I bought milk at a store we have never bought milk from before and it was a brand we have never before drank. So, that's what we're hanging our hats on. Milk. Got milk? no thanks!
Thanks for all the prayers and comments over the past few days. Satan tried, didn't he?! But all of us forced him out again! Nice work!!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Saturday May 15, 2010: Hives, Day 3
Day number 3 of the hives. Yesterday was worse than the first day. I'm covered with hives from my scalp down to the bottom of my feet, the top of my feet, my palms, top of my hands, chest, back, legs and arms. Because they're on the bottom of my feet it hurts to walk so I just lie in bed for another day. This is crazy! I've never had anything like this before. Today is better than yesterday but today I woke up with them on my face. Ugh! They don't itch too bad today so hopefully this improvement is the meds finally kicking in.
I guess one could really be angry at God right now and scream out "this isn't fair!". Or we could be honored that God loves us so much that he is preparing us for better things in the future. I have to admit, I had some of the "please God, UNCLE" the past couple days. Yesterday I was about ready to scratch myself out of my skin. Then pile on Kristi's nausea. Wow, we were a mess!!
Continued prayers as we weather this latest storm would be very much appreciated.
This is my shin/calf
Kristi took her 3rd dose of chemo last night. She can already feel the nausea and fatigue kicking in. We're going to try for the rest of the cycle and see how she holds up.
I guess one could really be angry at God right now and scream out "this isn't fair!". Or we could be honored that God loves us so much that he is preparing us for better things in the future. I have to admit, I had some of the "please God, UNCLE" the past couple days. Yesterday I was about ready to scratch myself out of my skin. Then pile on Kristi's nausea. Wow, we were a mess!!
Continued prayers as we weather this latest storm would be very much appreciated.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010: I Give
Waiving the white flag. I surrender. I compare myself to the modern day Job. If it isn't bad enough that my brother in law passed away 2 weeks ago and Kristi's cancer was all but declared terminal, today this is what I looked like when I woke up:
Nothing has been done with this photo. Kristi took one look at me and started making phone calls. My lips were swollen to the point that I could hardly talk, my eye lids were swollen to the point that I could hardly open them and I had this rash all over my body. I was in absolute misery. I've never had anything like this. So, she called our family doctor and they suggested taking me to the emergency room...which is where Kristi took these pictures:
Hives. The doctor said I have hives. Say what? What are hives?! I've never had them before. He doesn't know the reason I got them; he said sometimes stress can bring them on. He asked if I had an unusual amount of stress going on in my like. Well, yes. A little. I'm now taking 2 different antibiotics and a steroid. I still itch like crazy but we'll see what tomorrow brings.
I know that God won't give us any more than we can handle, but I've got to be close to my limit! I don't know how I could handle any more.
Kristi is back on her chemo pill. She did have a few waves of nausea today so we'll see what a few more days bring.
That's it for tonight. Prayers for my hives and Kristi's chemo are what we need now.
Thanks!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010: Clear Scan
The ct scan of my head didn't show anything of concern (hmmmm, seems like I've heard that line before). The plan is to start the daily chemo pill back up again (I didn't take it for the past two nights). I can't say I'm thrilled about it. As soon as I stopped taking it my nausea went away. Anyway, I'll start again tonight and see how it goes. They think my nausea/fatigue had something to do with the bug going around our house. The plan is to see how I tolerate it this time and if it is bad again then we get together and come up with plan B. Actually I think we are closer to plan Q or R or maybe even Z by now.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010: Dear God
Dear God,
I know that I don't have to tell you what is going on right now. I don't need to tell you that I am confused and scared. I don't need to tell you that my heart is aching and my mind is racing. I know You already know all of this.
My devotional reading for today said ~ Do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life. These problems are not random mistakes; they are hand-tailored blessings designed for your benefit and growth. Embrace all the circumstances that I allow in your life, trusting Me to bring good out of them. View problems as opportunities to rely more fully on me.
I'll be honest - I have a hard time thinking of cancer as a hand-tailored blessing. I have seen benefits from it and I have definitely seen growth. Our family has grown closer, our children have grown more in their relationship with You and our prayer life has grown by leaps and bounds. We have been supported by family, friends, school, church and even strangers.
I do trust you can bring good out of this. I know that the scarier things appear the more I will cling to you. Thank you for the lessons that I will learn over the next few weeks. I know there will be times that I feel like You have abandoned me but deep down in my heart I know You will never leave me. Ever.
But God, please, pretty, pretty please with sugar on top - please let me watch my children grow up, get married and start families of their own. Please let me spend the retirement years with Brian. Let our hair turn gray and the wrinkles come but keep our knees strong so we can bounce our grandchildren on them. We will do our part to keep our knees strong by spending a lot of time on them.
These are the desires of my heart God.
Amen.
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Psalm 37:4-6
I know that I don't have to tell you what is going on right now. I don't need to tell you that I am confused and scared. I don't need to tell you that my heart is aching and my mind is racing. I know You already know all of this.
My devotional reading for today said ~ Do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life. These problems are not random mistakes; they are hand-tailored blessings designed for your benefit and growth. Embrace all the circumstances that I allow in your life, trusting Me to bring good out of them. View problems as opportunities to rely more fully on me.
I'll be honest - I have a hard time thinking of cancer as a hand-tailored blessing. I have seen benefits from it and I have definitely seen growth. Our family has grown closer, our children have grown more in their relationship with You and our prayer life has grown by leaps and bounds. We have been supported by family, friends, school, church and even strangers.
I do trust you can bring good out of this. I know that the scarier things appear the more I will cling to you. Thank you for the lessons that I will learn over the next few weeks. I know there will be times that I feel like You have abandoned me but deep down in my heart I know You will never leave me. Ever.
But God, please, pretty, pretty please with sugar on top - please let me watch my children grow up, get married and start families of their own. Please let me spend the retirement years with Brian. Let our hair turn gray and the wrinkles come but keep our knees strong so we can bounce our grandchildren on them. We will do our part to keep our knees strong by spending a lot of time on them.
These are the desires of my heart God.
Amen.
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Psalm 37:4-6
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010: Mostly Cloudy Today
From sunny to mostly cloudy in 24 hours...I guess we shouldn't be surprised; this is Michigan after all.
We didn’t get the results of the CT scan today but we did get the CA125 results. The last time it was checked was in March. It was 181. It’s now 630. The glass half empty person would say “that’s more than triple”. The glass half full person would say “that’s less than 4 times!”
That’s the highest it’s been since one month after surgery, in February of 2007. I guess you would say we’re still numb. Confused. Scared. Wondering “what’s next?”
Amber is going to call us back tomorrow after 5 to share the CT scan results. Hopefully in another 24 hours we’re back to partly to mostly sunny. Maybe she’ll lose our phone number. If she doesn’t call it’s not real, right?
Nathan took the news as he usually does…with little expression. Ashley took the news harder. She asked Kristi if God was calling her home. She said how cool it would be for Kristi to be able to see Uncle Eric. On one hand that makes me so proud. On the other hand it makes me sad she has to say that at all.
I don’t know how I am. I’m just sitting here numb. Next to Kristi on the couch. Me on my laptop, she’s on hers. Hey, at least we’re not IM’ing each other. I’m not giving up hope but the reality of it all really sucks. Just plain sucks.
I know many people will read this and be saddened. Feelings of sadness are OK. But please, when you see Kristi, please try to be upbeat. Talk about the kids, the school year, your latest pedicure…anything but a sad look on your face. She has been getting a lot of that lately. Looks of pity, sadness, lost cause. She needs an aura of positiveness. Is that a word? Well, neither is irregardless but people use it all the time...so I’m going to use it. We will weather this storm and be more sea worthy in the end. These rough times build perseverance. With perseverance, character. You can call me Elmer Fudd by now. Kristi will be Wilma Flinstone. We have had a lot of character building over the past 3 and a half years.
Well, on that note, this is Elmer Fudd signing off. We’ll update tomorrow night.
We didn’t get the results of the CT scan today but we did get the CA125 results. The last time it was checked was in March. It was 181. It’s now 630. The glass half empty person would say “that’s more than triple”. The glass half full person would say “that’s less than 4 times!”
That’s the highest it’s been since one month after surgery, in February of 2007. I guess you would say we’re still numb. Confused. Scared. Wondering “what’s next?”
Amber is going to call us back tomorrow after 5 to share the CT scan results. Hopefully in another 24 hours we’re back to partly to mostly sunny. Maybe she’ll lose our phone number. If she doesn’t call it’s not real, right?
Nathan took the news as he usually does…with little expression. Ashley took the news harder. She asked Kristi if God was calling her home. She said how cool it would be for Kristi to be able to see Uncle Eric. On one hand that makes me so proud. On the other hand it makes me sad she has to say that at all.
I don’t know how I am. I’m just sitting here numb. Next to Kristi on the couch. Me on my laptop, she’s on hers. Hey, at least we’re not IM’ing each other. I’m not giving up hope but the reality of it all really sucks. Just plain sucks.
I know many people will read this and be saddened. Feelings of sadness are OK. But please, when you see Kristi, please try to be upbeat. Talk about the kids, the school year, your latest pedicure…anything but a sad look on your face. She has been getting a lot of that lately. Looks of pity, sadness, lost cause. She needs an aura of positiveness. Is that a word? Well, neither is irregardless but people use it all the time...so I’m going to use it. We will weather this storm and be more sea worthy in the end. These rough times build perseverance. With perseverance, character. You can call me Elmer Fudd by now. Kristi will be Wilma Flinstone. We have had a lot of character building over the past 3 and a half years.
Well, on that note, this is Elmer Fudd signing off. We’ll update tomorrow night.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010: Who Me? Worried? Naaaaah.
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. Matthew 6:34 The Message
I'm trying really hard to apply this verse to my life but it's hard. Since starting the chemo pill last week I've had waves of nausea come and go that get worse every day. My fatigue has increased, my fingers and toes are tingly and I've been having a lot of twitches. I have had twitches since the beginning of this - it's just a side effect from the first chemo. Usually they only happen at night when I'm sleeping. Now they are coming during the day and also getting so strong that Brian has left to go sleep on the couch. Very frustrating.
Today my nausea and fatigue were overwhelming. It was so bad that Brian worked from home today so he could keep an eye on me. My doctor would like me to go in for a ct scan of my head tomorrow and have a bunch of lab work done including my CA125. His reason for the ct scan is because they think I may have an infection where my tooth was pulled.
The silver lining . . . I don't have to take my chemo pill tonight! And I get to spend tomorrow morning with Brian since he will be taking me. Past memories are flooding my mind right now. I have already "been there, done that and am ready for it to be done!"
We'll try to post sometime tomorrow when we hear from our nurse.
I'm trying really hard to apply this verse to my life but it's hard. Since starting the chemo pill last week I've had waves of nausea come and go that get worse every day. My fatigue has increased, my fingers and toes are tingly and I've been having a lot of twitches. I have had twitches since the beginning of this - it's just a side effect from the first chemo. Usually they only happen at night when I'm sleeping. Now they are coming during the day and also getting so strong that Brian has left to go sleep on the couch. Very frustrating.
Today my nausea and fatigue were overwhelming. It was so bad that Brian worked from home today so he could keep an eye on me. My doctor would like me to go in for a ct scan of my head tomorrow and have a bunch of lab work done including my CA125. His reason for the ct scan is because they think I may have an infection where my tooth was pulled.
The silver lining . . . I don't have to take my chemo pill tonight! And I get to spend tomorrow morning with Brian since he will be taking me. Past memories are flooding my mind right now. I have already "been there, done that and am ready for it to be done!"
We'll try to post sometime tomorrow when we hear from our nurse.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010: Another Sunny Day
I'm not sure about where you live, but in Holland, MI it seems like we've had more sunny days this year than in past years. OK, yesterday was an ugly day, but this spring it sure seems like the weather has been pretty decent. Maybe last year was just so bad my perspective has changed.
Around here I guess you could say it's been partly cloudy. Up until this weekend things were going pretty good. We are planning a trip for later this month, the kids are looking forward to the school year to be done, and I'm looking forward to summer! But then Friday Ashley came down with the flu and Kristi's chemo is beginning to take a cumulative effect. She's getting quite nauseous and fatigued. Just walking around makes her feel like she's going to throw up. We had to boogy out of church today because she thought she was going to be sick. If you talked to her don't worry - it's a chemo thing, not the flu. She can tell the difference and she says this is definitely the chemo nausea.
Our moods have been much better of late. Well, until Friday that is. I can tell Kristi slid back down when the chemo effects kicked in. She's going to begin an alternative treatment in addition to the chemo. This is something she has been thinking about for quite a while. This isn't a treatment her oncologist would approve of but oh well. This is something she found through another doctor. But, like she put it...we've been trying the traditional method for 3 and a half years, time to start mixing it up.
So that's about it for this update. Prayers for Kristi and that the chemo effects start to mellow, that the chemo does its job, and to give Kristi peace of mind as she begin this new therapy.
Around here I guess you could say it's been partly cloudy. Up until this weekend things were going pretty good. We are planning a trip for later this month, the kids are looking forward to the school year to be done, and I'm looking forward to summer! But then Friday Ashley came down with the flu and Kristi's chemo is beginning to take a cumulative effect. She's getting quite nauseous and fatigued. Just walking around makes her feel like she's going to throw up. We had to boogy out of church today because she thought she was going to be sick. If you talked to her don't worry - it's a chemo thing, not the flu. She can tell the difference and she says this is definitely the chemo nausea.
Our moods have been much better of late. Well, until Friday that is. I can tell Kristi slid back down when the chemo effects kicked in. She's going to begin an alternative treatment in addition to the chemo. This is something she has been thinking about for quite a while. This isn't a treatment her oncologist would approve of but oh well. This is something she found through another doctor. But, like she put it...we've been trying the traditional method for 3 and a half years, time to start mixing it up.
So that's about it for this update. Prayers for Kristi and that the chemo effects start to mellow, that the chemo does its job, and to give Kristi peace of mind as she begin this new therapy.
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