Monday, June 18, 2007: From Kristi

What a week! Definitely not one of my better ones. I’m at a loss for words. I want to be honest to let you know how I’m doing but I also don’t want to depress anyone. I’ve had a lot of tear times lately. I know many of you have offered for me to call you during these times but I’m just not one to cry with other people (other than Brian). I do feel better after the tears roll though. I’ve been thinking a lot about the statistics. Sometimes I wonder if I’m in denial about my chances of beating this. Then I have guilt over not having enough faith. It’s quite a roller coaster. Some days I think I’m still in shock. I know these harder weeks where I’m beat down physically take a toll on my emotions too.

Fortunately I am feeling a bit better today. I am still quite tired and have some nausea but not near as bad as it was. Brian and I have been talking lately and feel like we are both in a down swing. Usually one of us is up when the other is down. We feel like we aren’t shining very brightly these days. We still believe God has a plan and a purpose for us but we’ve just been beat down so much recently. Please pray that we will get our shine factor back and be more aware of what God is calling us to do. The devil knows that we have a huge platform for spreading God’s word and I think he is trying harder to knock us down.

I have to admit that I am scared about tomorrow’s chemo. Other than the first round of chemo, I have never been nervous about going in. My cancer count hasn’t been going down as quickly as we had hoped for and my stomach pain and nausea has become worse and worse. I’m worried about more pain and the unknowns for tomorrow. Please pray tomorrow that I will keep looking up to the One who can give me peace.

The kids are at my parents tonight and Emily will be going to Brian’s parents tomorrow night through Friday. I miss her so much when she is gone and feel so helpless that I am not able to take care of her.

Wow, I’ve just written quite a downer. I’m sorry. I want so badly to shine for you all right now and I feel empty. Please don’t be sad for me – just pray. This will pass. There is always joy in the morning. I will not stop fighting this cancer and with God as my lead doctor, I can’t lose! Thank you for your constant prayers and love and support. I know we say this a lot but we honestly couldn’t do this alone.