Sunday, June 17, 2007: Father's Day

Hey, I never claimed to be the shiny one here. It’s getting harder and harder to find positive things to write about. As Kristi put it today “I’m ready for something to go right for a change”. Kristi says our book should be called "Hope & Reality". Her half would be called "Hope" and my half called "Reality". Not that I'm a downer, I just tend to be more realistic. After all, it's hard to paint a very pretty picture of something so ugly. We're both getting pretty tired of the monotonous routine. Even Kristi has said she is ready for this to be done. There has to be an easier way to "shine". Maybe we can just go to the airport and pass out roses. Hmmm, interesting thought.

The days aren’t getting any easier. This was a tough weekend. Kristi has been very tired and sore again today. Her stomach is hurting her more and more each day. Each round of chemo is getting harder and harder as her body gets weaker and weaker. It's the hardest thing to watch. She was too tired to go to church this morning and barely made it out of bed to eat lunch with us. On top of her fatigues and aches and pains are the emotional struggles that come along with this package deal. Ashley had a hard night last night. She was asking Kristi some pointed questions…the hardest one being ”are you going to die mommy?” Please pray that as Ashley starts to understand the magnitude of Kristi’s cancer that she is able to come to us and ask questions and talk about her feelings.

I'm finding the tears are coming out more and more easily and it's getting harder and harder to talk about. As I sat in church this morning with Nathan, I buried my face into his shoulder to hide the tears. Not sure what set it off...I think it was Pastor Frank sharing the story of his mom's final words to him..."preach the Word, son" as she then died shortly thereafter of cancer. During the sermon as Nathan lye across my lap looking so angelic and innocent, I thought to myself that he might someday have a similar story to tell about his mother. Then during the last song the tears just started flowing down...or should I say "raining down". I thought I got away with it until a friend came up to me after the service and gave me a big hug and said "I'm not even going to pretend to know what to say to you right now." We shared a big hug and some tears and she left. That was it. Very simple but very powerful. Sometimes the words not spoken are the most powerful words to speak. As I left the sanctuary a couple people hit me up with ‘how’s Kristi?’ As I struggled to find the right words, I kept breaking up and I just had to run. I went to get Emily as fast as I could holding back the tears. Sorry if I appeared rude. It’s just so hard to talk about. ‘How’s Kristi?!’ Well, how do I answer that? I usually just answer with “she’s OK”. I know it’s not true, but what else am I going to say?!

On a good note, we did get out tonight to have a hot dog at Kristi’s parents so that was nice. The kids did great. Kristi really wanted to get out to see everyone so that was very nice that she was up for that. She is feeling a little bit better right now. It was probably the hot dog she ate…I hear hot dogs are healthy.

So as we prepare for another week, please pray that we will find peace in all this madness. Pray that Kristi’s stomach pains will subside soon. Pray that she gets her energy back real soon. Pray that Tuesday’s chemo treatment brings no new nausea. Pray that the kids learn to have better patience and understanding during these difficult weeks. Pray that tomorrow Kristi will feel better so that we can have one good day before her next treatment.