Kristi was going to type up tonight’s entry but I thought I would just say a few words first. I got my blood work results back today and it confirmed what I’ve been telling all my family and friends for years – I’M NORMAL!!! :) However, I also discussed depression with my doctor. He says I have all the classic signs of depression…so yes, I guess I’m depressed. Doc’s given me some medication that should help me. No big surprise.
Something I’ve never mentioned before in any of my past blog entries is that I’ve also been seeing a psychologist for the past couple months. It helps to talk to someone that I have no connections to. I can talk to him for an hour, dump all my problems on him, then leave. Feels kinda good. So now I’m taking meds and seeing a shrink…I guess that makes me a certified nut case. I struggled a long time about taking medication. Shouldn’t God alone be able to help me?! Why should I need drugs?! Well, God gave us the brains to invent the drugs, so I’m going to take them! I’m actually excited to see if it makes a difference. Maybe some day soon I’ll be skipping by you whistling and humming the Barney theme song. OK, probably not, but hopefully my perspective improves.
Sure, I have friends who have offered to come over and talk to me (and that’s awesome that they would do that), but this is different, it’s more than that. How do I explain it? I have this feeling most of the time that my chest is caving in. Sometimes it’s hard to breath. Lately I’ve felt as if I haven’t slept for days. Getting out of bed in the morning is a challenge. I feel like I’m walking around with 50 pound sacks of potatoes strapped to each leg and one on my back. I’m unfocused, uninterested and disengaged some days, a lot lately. Why? I don’t think I need to explain why, do I?! This isn’t going to go away tomorrow, or next week, or in a month. I realize Kristi is feeling pretty good these days – and for that I’m very grateful. I should be doing great then, right?! So what’s my deal??!!
The good times are good, but when they’re good the future starts coming into focus. That’s when I have time to start processing all the possibilities. Ovarian cancer is long term. We’re almost to one critical point in this road – the CA125 being normalized…and we’ll be very happy when we get there. But that’s only gate one. The battle doesn’t stop there. Most of the time ovarian cancer comes back, and when it comes back, it’s bigger and ‘badder’. Why does it come back? They don’t know. That’s the part I fear most. We’re hoping that because she has gone through more chemotherapy than the average woman that they’re killing all the cancer. Hopefully this keeps the cancer from coming back – EVER! This thing won’t be over for 5 years. Kristi won’t be considered “cancer-free” until she goes 5 years in remission. It’s all this waiting that’s hard - overwhelming. So yes, that weighs me down. I pray every day but I realize this isn’t going away in a week or a month. I just pray for patience, understanding, and peace for Kristi. What more can I pray for?! I don’t think we could have made it this far without all the prayers. Please just keep them coming. Some days it just hurts so bad and the extra prayers give us a lift.
Thanks!
Wow, where do I go after that? I have been doing great these past few weeks. My side effects are very minimal and my hair is growing back which feels like a huge milestone for me. I have been doing some things for church - jumping back into where I had to leave when the cancer hit. It feels so good to be useful again and doing stuff that I enjoy. I do get tired pretty easily so I have to be careful not to overdo it.
Apparently though I have been negligent in understanding my own husband. I knew he was tired and not feeling well but had no idea it was this hard for him. He is such a tough guy. I'm glad he updated you all so that you can pray specifically for him. Kind of strange to read about how your husband is feeling through a blog though. This whole experience has been an eye opener.
I have to say that I don't have fear of the cancer returning. Right now I am at such a perfect peace. God let me live through this because there is so much more on earth that I still need to do. Please pray that this peace will continue for me and that Brian will have it as well.
On another note, Louise's surgery went well yesterday and she should be coming home soon. Please continue to pray for her as she recovers and while she waits for the tests to come in.
