I know typically I say that if you want to read the positive stuff, read the pink entries. Unfortunately that's not the case tonight. Last night was rough. I was so tired and nauseous.
I was able to go to church this morning and help at Coffee Break which was good. If I had stayed home I probably would have had a pity party. I've been tired and a bit nauseous most of the day. After waking up from a nap this afternoon I have just spiraled downhill. My mood has been rotten and negative.
Brian has been so supportive and encouraging as he always is. Right now he is out with a couple friends and I hope he is having a great time. He certainly deserves it after putting up with me tonight.
I'm not sure how to explain my mood. I just feel like my blood could boil. I am so frustrated and so tired of cancer. It has consumed our lives for the last eight months. I was filled with hate tonight. I hate the cancer, I hate chemo, I hate what this does to my family, I hate my stupid colostomy (yes, I did say the "s" word!). I hate that cancer is my life. I hate that the odds are so high against me surviving this. I hate that we may fight this cancer for a year for it to only come back a month later. I hate that cancer may eventually take me from my family.
I put the kids to bed tonight and took a shower where I tried to cry my hate out of me. It helped, a little. But then I saw Ashley standing in the bathroom behind me asking me if I was okay. I hate that she had to see me like that. I hate that I'm probably making many of you cry right now.
So obviously I'm filled with hate and I have to say, I hate that too! I don't know that I've ever used that word so much in my life. It's not even a word we're allowed to say in our house. But rather than sit and wallow in this hatred I decided to swallow my pride and tell all of you. It's been a long time since I've been this down. I know that by tomorrow all of your prayers will have lifted me back up.
I'm sorry to my friends and to my mom that you had to read this on the blog along with the rest of the world. I just don't have it in me to call anyone. Right now I am just going to go take my sleeping pill and go to bed and hopefully sleep peacefully and wake up with a much better attitude.
Thank you for enduring my major grumpies with me!
