What a week. I forgot how awful this type of chemo is and how hard it knocks me down. Last night was the worst as you saw from Brian's updates. I didn't realize I had some backed up tears but last night the floods came down. I couldn't stop crying for almost a half an hour and had a horrible headache afterwards. I had extreme feelings of anger and told Brian if I had the least amount of energy I may had tried to punch a hole in the wall. I was so angry and kept thinking how unfair this is. How unfair that it's an effort to even talk, that my husband has to see me go through this, that my daughter has to ask me "are you going to survive this cancer mom?". I was in a huge monster pity party. This fatigue is unexplainable. Every tiny movement wears me out.
Thankfully I slept well last night and today has been a bit better. Mostly more resting and sleeping. I am able to eat but the food has a bad taste. Not metal but just yuck. Also, the neuropathy has started in my feet again. On the positive side, the diarrhea has stopped and I don't have any stomach pain!
I am so thankful for our family and friends that have taken the kids on so that I don't even have to worry about them. They had the best time at Kim Rietvelds today (thanks so much Kim!) playing with her kids and puppies. After Brian came home with the kids we had an amazing supper brought right to our door from the Waterways (thanks Jack & Ginger!). I guess this is what you would call the silver lining on the gray clouds.
Emotionally I am doing so much better today. Even during my anger and frustration I wasn't mad at God. I'm so grateful for Him for not leaving me. How could anyone survive this without Him? I'm just angry at the "why" - "why me". I know why. So many people are being introduced to God for the first time and growing in their relationship with him because of our situation. That is our biggest job here on earth to go fishing for men. So, we endure the pain and remember joy comes in the morning. It always does.
Thank you for letting us be so honest about all this. We certainly have spilled our guts out there! Thank you for sticking with us through the good and the bad and praying us through it all. Please keep praying that my nausea will go away, my energy will return, the neuropathy in my feet will fade, and our eyes will stay focused on the prize.
