Well, the original plan was we were going in for chemo tomorrow; but, Kristi’s platelet count is still too low. We are on a day for day wait until her count gets back up. It’s currently at 19,000 and needs to get to 80,000 for chemo. The transfusion she had last week didn't work as well as last time. So we just wait. Oh yeah, “go live your life” they told us…just be willing to drop everything on a moment’s notice. Frustrating. Maddening. But, just part of living with cancer. When Kristi called me at work today I let out a loud laugh and pounded my fists on my desk. I think I bordered on insanity for a couple minutes today. You see, we’re trying to “live our lives”, but cancer keeps getting in the way. Certainly no fault of Kristi’s. She feels terrible and I feel bad for her. I don’t know what I’m mad at. The cancer. That’s it. Just the cancer. I hate it. Does it make me feel better to get angry? Well, no, but how do you not get angry? The greatest leaders and the men considered “most Godly” in the bible got angry. They yelled at God. Questioned Him. So yes, I feel perfectly justified in getting angry. I hate it.
I’m organizing a golf outing for work for this week Thursday. Not the most ideal timing, but it was going to work with chemo being tomorrow. Oopsie, but hold on. Might not happen. Just wait day by day, can you? Be ready to jump when I say “jump”. Well, the golf outing will go on, might just be without me. Not a big deal. Guess I’ll have to make other arrangements “just in case” because I have so much extra time on my hands I can spend it making back-up plans for everything we do. All the sitters we had lined up…oopsie, never mind. Oh, and my annual guys’ weekend to Beaver Island next weekend…that was also going to work perfectly with chemo tomorrow. Planned so nicely, in fact. But, hold on!! Better have a back-up plan. Oh well, maybe next year. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Thank you. I feel much better. I got all of the sarcasm out of my system. Man that feels good. Refreshing. Yes, I’m frustrated. A friend mentioned to me this morning that it’s been a while since they’ve seen a bible verse in our blog. Why is that? I don’t know. This comes at a time when I’m a little frustrated. So maybe Psalm 30 is appropriate… ”To you, O Lord, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy” v. 8. That seems fitting. If you remember last week’s entry titled “A Little Mercy Please”, well, that verse just seems timely. This will pass. Good times will return. It’s just that time of the cycle.
We did get a nice break, however. We had a nice 10 day stretch where we went on 2 boat rides, attended a benefit in our behalf, went to the beach one night, and Craig’s Cruisers tonight. So, it was a good stretch. But, when you live with cancer you realize that these times are short lived and the next chemo is right around the corner. We’re really looking forward to this fall when this is all behind us. The daily grind of living with cancer is definitely taking its toll.
So tomorrow we just meet with the Oncologist. We leave his office and go get blood work. We’re going to ask if they can take her CA125 reading tomorrow. They probably won’t, but we think it makes sense to do. So for now, we just wait.
Okay, so now that Brian has typed his two pages, I’m just going to sneak in a little paragraph about a thought I had tonight. I was sitting at a table by myself at Craig’s Cruisers while Brian was walking around with the kids playing all sorts of fun games. So many plans have been messed up for us lately and it is definitely frustrating. The thought kept popping up in my head though – “for I know the plans I have made for you”. It’s not about our plans, it’s about God’s. He knows the plan. Although it’s frustrating for us to not know the plan, it is wonderful to know that God knows them. Once I let go of the need to control our plans, I feel much more peaceful. So, tonight I am going to bed to get a good night’s sleep and wait to see what God’s plan is for us tomorrow.
Wow, you see, I read Kristi’s entry and even I got inspired. She’s absolutely right. I’m a selfish person and I get caught up in life too much. She teaches me to refocus my priorities. Sigh. So beautiful and so inspirational.
Ashley & Nathan at Craig's Cruisers
