Suppose you're playing Texas Hold 'Em and the dealer tells you before he deals the cards, "you must play your hand no matter what you're dealt"? Yup, play what you get. And no, you can’t ask for a re-deal no matter how badly you want one. On January 23, 2007 we were dealt a 2 and a 7 in this game called life. Certainly crummy cards by any stretch of the imagination. Now we had a choice to make: hold 'em or fold ‘em.
So ask yourself…what would you do? Would you fold them, not even give it a chance?! Well, we had to make that decision back on January 23, and let me tell you, as soon as Kristi saw her cards, she didn't hesitate..."all in!" Folding was not an option for her. Many people are put in this situation every day. You know that saying by Charles Swindoll "life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it"? Well, Kristi didn't even blink. She had the perfect poker face as she announced "all in" without hesitation. You see, she has the one card that trumps them all...the King of all kings...she's holding the card called God. She knew right from the start that with God at her side, arms wrapped around her, that she would be protected.
Does she have her bad days? Yup. Do I have my bad days? Yup. But we also have good days. Many of them. Do I know that Kristi struggles emotionally? Yup. Does Kristi know that I struggle emotionally, probably more than her? Yup. Kristi tried to explain this back in January..."the peace that I feel only the person dealing with this can understand". We also heard that same message from another cancer survivor that visited us that first week. I wish I could say I had the same peace, but I didn't, and I still don’t. Kristi knows this; and this person that visited us told us the same thing...that the person with the cancer will have more peace than their family.
We received some very valuable advice from a friend of mine whose wife has battled two rounds of cancer... "Talk about your situation freely with one another. We cried together, laughed together, prayed together, and just plain talked. Our friendship grew to a deeper level. You may feel alone at times, but you always have each other and you always have the Lord". So from the beginning, Kristi and I have made an extra effort to do just that. There aren't too many days that go by where we don't spend some time talking about our day. In fact, I don't think a single day has passed that we haven't.
So what is my point? Well, I know that some are wondering if the amount of honesty that we pour into our blog is healthy for us. I was asked this recently. So we spent a lot of time this weekend discussing this. I asked Kristi if her mood was being affected by the blog...and questioned whether my mood was being affected by the blog. We agreed that the answer is definitely not, and in fact is actually quite the opposite…we find that the blog helps us in many different ways. You see, Kristi understands that the cancer is affecting the entire family. Of course it is. She would be naïve to think differently – and I give her more credit than that. As Kristi put it this weekend..."this is a 50-50 deal". Well, it's amazing what you discover when you communicate! She told me something this weekend that surprised me. You see, I haven’t been crying on her shoulder. I do most of my crying alone, or with a friend, because I didn't want her to see that. I figured that if she saw me crying it would depress her more. After all, I’m supposed to be her “rock”, right?! What kind of a rock cries?! What I found out is that she said she needs me to cry on her shoulder. She wants me to cry on her shoulder. She flat out told be she's been longing for me to cry on her shoulder...and I've been holding it back. In her mind, that is one of the few ways that she can help me. She knows how it feels to unload a bucket of tears from time to time (as she did Wednesday night), and if I do it on her shoulder, then she feels like she is helping me in some way. She said that if I never broke down, or if she never saw me crying, she would know that I wasn’t being “real” with her. Sure, there have been times when we shared a good cry. But, come to find out, by me not crying on her shoulder it was actually hurting her. It was like I was pushing her away and that I didn't need her (in her eyes). So by reading the blog she has actually learned a thing to two – and realizes that I am not an ice cold rock. I have feelings. I get sad. Down right depressed at times – as does she. We cry out to God. Often. It’s part of living with cancer.
So yes, even we learn some things about each other that we’re not verbally communicating to each other by reading the blog. The only difference is that we have all of you reading over our shoulder…and that’s exactly what we want!! If you remember when we started the blog, one of the things we wanted to accomplish was "if we can make a difference in just one or two people that would be so incredible". We are laying it all out there for people to read: what emotions we feel each day, what happens physically to Kristi, how meds are working/not working, how the kids are doing, how I (as the spouse) am doing - everything! Why not share this? Sure, it’s no fun playing poker while holding a 2 and a 7, but if we can be an example for just one or two couples out in this wounded world we would be thrilled. It may not be cancer. It may be a family crisis; it may be the sudden loss of a loved one; whatever, the message is the same: FULLY RELY ON GOD (FROG) – no matter what cards you’ve been dealt!
So we’re going to make the very best of these cards while we can. In a little over a month, our blog has been ‘hit’ almost 8,000 times from all over the world!! The word of God and how He and prayer can pull you up out of the pitfalls of life is being spread. That’s exactly what we want. We feel we have a purpose now; a statement to make. Remember when Kristi said “you know, I wasn’t really living until now. I was gliding through life. Look out world cuz here I come!!! Put on your sun glasses because God is going to shine brightly through me!”? Well, I think people are hearing her. I know people are hearing her.
So the moral of the story is, it’s much more fun sitting at the table with a flush or a full house; it’s difficult being dealt a lousy hand. But as Kristi said “God loves us enough to challenge us”. Anyone can play with a full house, but only the truly blessed can play and win with a 2 and a 7. We will continue to play with these cards and continue to be “all in” - and with God as our trump card, we will win.
Thanks for listening (well, reading – you know what I mean).
Brian & Kristi
